November 03, 2006

Rejoice, I say again, rejoice!!

When it feels
Like your world is crashing down around you,
Keep your eyes on Me.
I'll be your northern star.
I'll get you through the dark.

When you're lost,
I'll be the arrow
On the compass of your heart.

When you can't sleep,
Don't count sheep,
Think of Me, dream of Me,
And let everything else go.

When you tried and failed,
To make it on your own,
Give up the wheel,
And let Me take you home...

I wrote that back in April of this year. But it seems so applicable to right now, for me. I seem to be hitting rough spots on a more regular basis now. And that is a good thing because, as I have said so many times before, life is NOT supposed to be easy. Life is not supposed to be a time when all our desires are satisfied. IN FACT, all of our desires are supposed to be, with God's help, oriented on what GOD wants, not ourselves. I am so far from this state, but God is helping me to grow and to die to my self will whenever it wants to defend itself, its "right" to "happiness." AND, more and more, God is helping me to be happy when people in the world would be crying in the same situation. That is because God is behind me-to catch me if I fall, beneath me-bearing me up, in front of me-protecting me and leading me, and beside me-comforting me. (I know that is from one of my old poems but I couldn't find it except in my memory.)

So, I WILL rejoice. I will cherish everything, especially the hard things, that God gives me because He only does it to bring me closer to Him...

October 22, 2006

Do I have to use a title?

Instead of being silent for a day, I was very, very vocal. I went to the Northwest Womens' Show at the Oregon Convention Center and worked in the Oregon Right to Life booth. It was amazing. Most everybody was polite and even kind. But we had a few really liberal, antagonistic people which is to be expected in the heart of one of America's most liberal cities. Now, for Scrib's info, we did NOT have graphic images of abortions being done, etc. We had life-size models of fetuses at various stages of development, posters of the different stages of pregnancy and lots and lots of fliers. Nothing offensive right? Well, some people were sure offended. We are trying to drum up a lot of support for Measure 43, parental notification before girls 15, 16, 17 can get an abortion. One woman told me that she had an abortion when she was 16 and she didn't need her parents and she was proud of herself. (Wow, she is in SOME state of denial. If the emotional drawbacks haven't hit her yet, they WILL in a few years.) {Read the research on it before disagreeing with me, you-know-who. :) }

Anyway, I love anything that has to do with public speaking or that sort of thing so this was right up my alley. (Does that phrase have to do with bowling or a street?? Haha.) I just wanted to let y'all know what I did instead of being silent for a day. But now, I have tons of housework and homework.

Focus on Jesus today....

October 06, 2006

www.silentday.org

I am thinking about being silent for one entire day. Students across the nation are already signed up to participate in the 3rd Annual Students' Day of Silent Solidarity. The reason they are being silent is to tell people about all the millions of babies who have lost their voice permanently. It seems like the least I can do. The only thing is that I don't have school on the 24th. But this is something I would pray about doing anyway, so we shall see. But I encourage all of you to think about participating in this day of silence, in a sacrifice of something we take so lightly for others who will never get to experience it.

I was looking on a state by state list of abortion providers (http://www.standtrue.com/pages/prayerproject/statelist.html) and I was surprised to learn that Oregon and Tennessee only have 8 abortion "mills," however that seems like a lot compared to Wyoming who only has one, but both of those numbers seem small compared to "conservative" Texas who has 47 and (we already knew this) liberal California who has 108 abortion providers.

I know that some of you don't necessarily agree with me about abortion, but I think you would have to be missing part of your heart if it does not break with sadness at the thought of all the beautiful, innocent children who will never get to feel love of someone or for someone, or watch the sunset go down over the ocean, or play with the dogs that we all take forgranted sometimes.

On a final note, I put a bumper sticker on my new car and no sooner had I left my street than someone flipped me off for the simple truth it said:

" :) Smile! Your mom DIDN'T abort you!" Something to think about and be grateful for, eh?

Praying for you all...

September 21, 2006

Super Briefly...

I GOT A CAR!! God is so good. He provided a black-cherry colored '98 Toyota Corolla with only 67k miles!! Thank You, Lord!

September 17, 2006

Been So Long

I nearly forgot my username and password. Anyway, how is everyone? Good. :)

God has been doing and using me in many ways. Sometimes I feel like thinly spread butter on a very big slice of sweet, dark, rye toast (with nuts) and can only become MORE thinly spread as school starts on the 25th.

Basically, I am continuing to work at least three days a week from 9-5 sometimes to 6 or even 7 at night. The days I do not work, I work out, then work all day at home, doing random things. At night, I sleep or not. (A week or two ago, I had an all-nighter of it because I was worried for my little sister, who is still struggling to "give it all to Christ," and I was worried for myself because school is coming and I want to be a witness for Him, not a flaky sell-out like a lot of evangelical Christians my age. Anyway, God was giving me thoughts, I was writing them down and praying and all around being tremendously grateful for His presence.)

But Friday night, I got sick, went to bed, woke up and went gung-ho all Saturday making a movie about the Missoula flood (look it up!) and how it proves the distinct likelihood (of course, I believe it as fact) of a world-wide flood which the Bible recounts in Genesis. Today I am resting though and looking for a car via the newspaper and the internet.

Anyway, this is a word of gratitude that the Lord is making use of my seemingly endless store of energy (which is proving to have an end) and that He is teaching me to grow more like Him.

Praying God will work wonders in your lives when you lay them down, take up your own, individual crosses and follow Him even through the dark and stormy weather.

August 26, 2006

"Out of the Shadows"

For so long,
I hid myself from the world,
Like a bear in a cave.

Armored my insecurities
With a smile and a hearty laugh
And both hands held up
To stave off anyone
Who could enter
My carefully constructed
Coccoon.

Both hands can't protect
My entirety.
Too small a space
They can fully guard
And somehow
My hiding place
Was discovered,
Breached.

Bright lights
Burned my long-darkened eyes,
Exposed me to real life.
Now, I am coming
Out of the shadows,
Never will run from reality
Again.

----------------------------------------

Well, I wrote this back in May. (Have at it, my poetry critics.) But while you read it, think about what you have a tendency to run from in reality. It's different for everyone. Is it the scary notion of letting go of the rest of your life and letting Christ run it? Is it the frightening idea that our knowledge is limited and no, there is not an answer for everything...except God? What is it for you? If you can recognize it, share it with me. I pray for many of you often and I would like to know how to more "tailor" my prayers.

----------------------------------------

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I feel like a wasteland, and not one with streams popping up out of it. How come I do not perceive that the Lord is doing a new thing in me? Well, it doesn't matter what I feel anyway. The Lord just wants me to trust. Okay, I choose to trust that my "Gardener" knows what He is doing. :)

August 15, 2006

A Foretaste of Things to Come

Just letting everyone know they should expect my posts to be few and far between for a while, not sure how long. I just feel so struck by the Lord to set my hands to the plow and try and change the world. My uncle is doing just that through his national ministry, the National Prayer Network (see link.) I want to help him. I want to help people. I want to be able to use the strengths I have to hold up others' arms when they are weak. I want to be a blessing. Most importantly, GOD wants to make me all those things. With His help, I can and will change from a mostly self-centered person to someone who is completely overwhelmed, drenched, covered, and of course, centered in Christ.

SO... please pray that the Lord will help me grow. I want to. Life is a total waste if you stay in one place. My sister, Harmony, who is SUCH an inspiration to me (she also has a blog, Truthteller Girl {see link}), related to me a quote by someone, I forget who:

"Recognize your ability to imitate Christ."

I realize this: There is no point in calling myself a Christian if I am not going to LIVE 24/7 like Christ did and commands me, and all of us to. So let's all do something revolutionary: let's live like Christ during the entire week, not just Sundays.

Praying for you all....

August 03, 2006

"Your Love"

The sky has never looked
This blue
During my blackest storms.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The sun has never shined
So brightly
In the midst of so many thick clouds.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

My most mournful dirves have never
Been such sweet, happy
Melodies.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The highest mountains have never
Been flat, rolling plains
In my life.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The tremendous winds have never
Come and gone as
These gentle, caressing breezes through my hair.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

Your love catapults my spirit
To heights unknown to rockets and spaceships,
Even when my body and mind
Are filled with chaos and pain.

Your love lifts my feet to dancing
Even when the music has
Long since stopped
And the lights gone out.

Your love is the flame that
Warms my heart
When the icy travails of
My red enemy would
Long since have frozen and killed me.

Your love lights
The path You have
Chosen for me,
Illumining boulders and barriers.
And Your love carries me
When I am too weak to
Crawl onward.

Most of all,
Your love gives me a reason to live...

8/3/06-1:00am
-----------------------------------------------
I mean every word of this. I could not begin to take the next step without the Lord's love and His strength...

August 02, 2006

Just wait for a while...

I am SO very busy but I will write soon. I've already planned a long "essay" on rejoicing. Thanks y'all for being patient.

July 23, 2006

A Late Thought Accompanied by Self-Doubt

It is nearly one in the morning. I am awake yet again in the wee hours, yet, I enjoy it. Have you ever seen the Bruce Willis movie, "16 Blocks?" I only just finished watching it after completing a self-imposed month-long ban on movies, TV, etc. I think I made a wise decision to first watch a movie where a man is willing to give his life for something he believes in, no matter how long a time period he has believed in that one thing.
That is what true belief does for you: it makes you willing to sacrifice, to die.
A favorite, and often printed on this blog, quote of mine is one by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand:
"A man truly believes not what he recites in his creed but what he is willing to die for."
I just love that because it inspires me to seek out the depth of my beliefs and sincerity. Am I willing to die, physically, or sacrifice anything, relationship or material, etc., for what/who I believe in? I guess time can only tell the true depth of my belief as I, and many American Christians, have not yet been tested to the extent that Chinese Christians and other Christians around the globe have. They have had/still have guns shoved in their faces, with the holder screaming that they denounce the only One who offers them hope and true life, Jesus Christ, or else they will pull the trigger. Yet, in their hour of GREATEST need, the Holy Spirit comes over their hearts in a way that I can not even imagine, and at a time when everyone else's hearts would faint and quickly give in, they refuse. And they die.
When I was younger, my uncle was making movies about the encroaching threat of anti-hate laws, specifically targeting Christians, taking away free speech in this nation (see National Prayer Network and Hate Laws Exposed links in sidebar.) I was asked to participate in a "skit" as a persecuted Christian, or as someone persecuting Christians, I don't remember which. I remember everyone else being so involved, so happy that they could help possibly, and indeed, save free speech as it was threatened in that session of Congress. But all I felt was a deep cold, a gripping fear constricting my throat and chest. I saw my dear family and friends acting, but I didn't see it as that. I saw it as if it were real, as if they were really being attacked, or arrested, or beaten. I tried to act my part, but I could not stop the tears of fright from pouring down my cheeks. I ran away. The only reason I am telling you all this, not because I think you will understand since tomorrow this will probably all read as gibberish, but because I wanted to try to illustrate my intense fear of persecution and pain. I could never, in and of myself, stand and face death for my belief in the Lord. But as I grow closer and closer and more and more in desperate love for the Lord, my spirit becomes more willing to give up any measure for Him.
Remember how it says in the Bible, perhaps by Jesus, the "spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak?" Well, God is making my spirit willing, so He is going to have to make my flesh strong too.
I guess that is all a mumble-jumble, the ramblings of a desperate, seeking heart. Oh, how I want the Lord to make me into a jem for His crown. And I don't even feel worthy of say that because what if I don't really mean it? I mean, what if I am saying it for a show? I know THAT isn't true. If I were "showing off," I wouldn't have said any of this post because it is so intimate and it is all so frightening to my body to think of the coming persecutions that will inevitably come as evil takes its final stand against God. (Read Revelations if you want nightmares, by the way.)
I am seeking, I am seeking the Lord's face. One day I WILL see it. I am determined I will not be swept away. But I only have this determination because I am clinging with reckless abandon to the arms of Jesus. I wouldn't have even made it this far without His mercies that are new and overflowing every morning...
Dear Lord, please accept my broken, humble heart. It is all I have to offer. Besides, no treasure on earth could be perfect and holy before You. I can only trust in Your grace that washes over me in a steady flow like the waves of the ocean. The waves of the ocean that You set the boundaries for. The ocean that washes this great globe that You have hung in space. The space the stretches on farther than man's eye can reach. The eye of man, the man that is too stupid to behold even your smallest miracle to the greatest extent... But You said, You said that what You value most is faith like a child. Well, Lord, that is ALL I have to offer so it is a good thing it is good enough.

July 21, 2006

"Lost and Freed"

I've probably already put this poem up, but no one cares if I post it again, do y'all? I have a few friends and blogger friends (specifically Will) who are really struggling and I thought maybe this would help someone!

-----------------------------------------

all around me the darkness reigns
i feel constricted by the silent miseries that surrounds me
i curl up into a ball
i try to think pretty, bright, sunny thoughts
the blackness overwhelms them

i walk around on my tiptoes
i try not to disturb the other prisoners.
they are all curled up in little balls
trying to create worlds of their own
somehow we always fail
the dark never leaves us

we hear voices
whispering, speaking, shouting in our minds
we cry, we sob
we don't let anyone know of our inner torment
but we all know

we all feel the pain that exists when the sun doesn't run rise
when the darkness lift
when life seems to stop and we wait
in death-like stupors.

i can't find a way out
i can't find an escape from this black world
of pain and aloneness
i am alone
i am surrounded by others
but i am alone
we are all alone in our thoughts and pathes of temporary escape
that always lead us to dead ends

i have no joyi know not what elation is
i am always angry, alone, upset, heartbroken.
this world is like a labyrinth
we can't find a way out
the voices are leading us deeper and deeper
i try to shut them out
sometimes it works
but it always seems as if i run out of power

i cannot raise the sun
i cannot lighten my world on my own
i need help
but whose?

someone once told me about Someone who can brighten my night
and keep it bright
Someone who is bigger and stronger than me
but to get His help, i have to give up my own will
my own struggling to grab and hold something that isn't there
i have to cry out for His hand and hold it with everything in me
because this change of leadership is going to hurt, a lot

i want to think about it
i want to weight the good and the bad
but as i try, the voices that are trying to drown me get louder
i can't ignore them anymore.
i raise my eyes from downcast to looking up

i am going to hang on really tight
i won't let go, i yell.
it is so painful but that must mean He is working
i already feel lighter in my heart
i realize that for the first time i am experiencing joy and pain-together

i can see now little fingers of light shooting out towards me
it is dark still but it is getting lighter
and i am no longer alone.

He is beside me holding my hand
in front of me leading me
behind me guarding me
beneath me bearing me up
i am no longer alone.

i have come out of the darkness into a beautiful land
i can see other people just like me
i recognize those who used to live on my right and on my left, in pain
now we are all free
we soar and we dart like birds
we are free but not entirely
we know that we are powered by Him
we live in faith that He will never let go
but if i let goi will fall, i will crash, i will die
i will NEVER let go
so help me, God!!!!!!

(Jaunary 2005, but JUST as applicable to my life now!)

I Found Old Poems!!

"Tears From Gaza Strip"

Is this the world?
This bright light, dimmed by grief and greed?
Is this the world?
The laughter of children
Replaced by the staccato of machine guns?
Is this the world?
Fenced by the sea and concrete hate,
No exploration, no adventures and beauty is locked out.
Is this the world?

No, this is my world.
This is the artwork of predjudiced hate and fear.
This is what the shadowed, veiled beast willed.
Claiming all for himself,
Fighting for dominance,
Fighting against God
From before time began,
To the bottomless pit and the brimstone lake.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Nature Mourns"

Oh sad lackluster day.
Even the sky is crying,
Mourning the lovers lost,
The smiles sacrificed on the death bed of passion.
Rain runs down the foggy windows,
Like tears course her ashen cheeks.

Skeleton branches of a dying willow wave madly in the wind,
Like her empty arms clutch and hold nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

"True Love For You"

When you're smiling,
I want to make you laugh.
When you're crying,
I want to drive the tears away.
When you're singing,
I want the world to be mute, and listen.
When you're running from life,
I want to hold your hands and stop the fear.
When you're dancing,
I want to be the music that lifts your feet.
When your arms are empty,
I want to fill them with myself.
When you think of true love,
I want you to think of me.

-------------------------------------------------

July 20, 2006

"Mammoth Moon"

Shadows cast themselves on the wall
Like tendrils of the great, green grapevine
Cover my balcony.
I hide in the dark deepness
Of empty arms and broken hearts
Like a big, brown bear
Hibernating in her cave from the icy assails
Of a windy winter.
The sun has not risen to end the entrapping night
But I will not wait for the dawn
To bring relief.
I shed my cumbersome covers
And look up,
To the mammoth moon
And take comfort.

The sun may never rise,
But in the dark, the moon always shines…
-----------------------------------------------

This is NOT my best moon poem, but it IS the only one I could find...

I promised, so here is "People Will..."

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you.
They will say,
It is all impossible,
Give up,
You don’t have what it takes,
Let this tough stuff
Pass you by.
People will doubt you.

Throughout your life,
People will hurt you.
They will break your heart,
And try to break your spirit.
They say words are harmless,
They’ll say you can’t take a joke,
And they’ll disguise their malice
With a wicked laugh.
People will hurt you.

Throughout your life,
People will leave you.
They will promise to stick by you
Through thick and thin.
But when the rubber meets the road,
Push comes to shove,
You may find yourself all alone.
People will leave you.

Throughout your life,
People will lie to you.
They will say things
They never meant
To satisfy feelings,
Or just to make you cry.
People will lie to you.

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you,
People will hurt you,
People will leave you,
People will lie to you.
So why trust people?
Why not find Someone
Who will never doubt, hurt,
Leave, or lie to you?
Why not find the ultimate friend?

He’s looking for someone exactly like you.
He laid down His life for you.
He won’t let you go, when life gets rough.
He will tell you the truth, even when the truth
Is the last thing you want to hear,
But the thing that most needs to be said.

People can’t always be trusted,
Because people aren’t perfect.
God can be trusted,
So open your heart to Him
And find a friend,
Who will never
Hurt you,
Doubt you,
Leave you,
Lie to you.
A friend who truly loves you.

------------------------------------------------

By all means, this does not apply to everyone. But it is quite true that even those with the best intentions could let us down since they are not omnipotent, etc.

So Much Better...

As y’all know, I have been “keeping late hours when the rest of the Pacific seaboard sleeps.” (old poem) There are several reasons for this: first, spiritual burdens/concerns for friends, including a blogger or two; second, attacks by Satan, emotionally; third, long, often stressful, days.

But yesterday was the worst. I was pretty much a wreck. I am NOT complaining. I am grateful and willing to bear any sort of trial for the Lord, and I do not say that in any hypocritical way. I am serious, in the same way I am serious about everything else I say on this blog even if some people think it sounds “holy” or “hypocritical.” I just owe so much to my Savior, and if I spent three lifetimes trying to repay Him, it would not come close to deserving the gift of salvation.

But I got some Tylenol PM from the store, took one at 8 last night, and slept till 9-something this morning. (I woke up once in the night when my cell phone started beeping.) Isn’t that 12 or 13 hours? I haven’t slept that long in forever! I am very grateful to God for that gift. (See what I mean?! He just keeps on giving of His love, of Himself, to us!! Even if we COULD earn salvation, which we can’t, we could never earn/deserve all the OTHER good things He showers on us!!)

Now I have to go teach swim lessons for two hours. The temperature gage is creeping up to 100 degrees and should break 105 this weekend.

Here are two verses and a quote for y’all to think about:

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of HIS might.”
-Ephesians 6:10

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
-James 1:12

“The noble love of Jesus perfectly imprinted in man’s soul makes a man do great things, and stirs him always to desire perfection and to grow more and more in grace and goodness.”
-Thomas a Kempis
“The Imitation of Christ,” pg. 110

"A Broken, Humble Heart"

Is this what love is?
This constant feeling
And desire to shout from the rooftops
The splendor of You?

Am I in love?
I cannot sleep for
Thoughts of You.
And all I once wanted
Seems archaic, pointless, vain, and stupid.

Only You,
Always You
Forever…
I can only cling to the hope
You will not reject this humble offering-
A broken, humble heart…

July 16, 2006

"Ethereal and Alone"

A trail of a single set of footprints
Winding down the shore
Following the lacy borders
Of the salty sea,
For miles and miles it goes.

Finally a foggy figure like a fairy
Appears in the near distance,
Brown hair blowing wildly in the wind,
Face turned to the sea
And the hidden sun.

The lone elfin shape pauses
Staring into the crashing surf.
There's something there,
Something reckless,
And magnificently wild.
A being from a dream,
A mermaid.

The fairy and mermaid stare at each other
Locked in an trance,
Magic seems to have settled on the sands,
Time has stopped
Afraid to tick on
For fear of losing a physical fantasy.

They seem to be frozen,
Unmoving, silent.
But tears are falling from both the maids'
Aqua eyes.
Both alone, solitary in their lonely traversing
The face of this harsh earth.
The mermaid endowed with fins
And imprisoned in the lonely sea.
The fairy cursed with a true love
Given away and never given back.

---------------------------------------------------

I am super-critical and do not like most of this poem, mostly the ending. But I wrote it and don't want it to just sit there forever. Please note, that while the fairy, in the past, has been a symbol of me, it isn't now. I am quite happy and blessed. But if you have experienced heartbreak and sadness, you receive the right to express it, whenever you wish. I think...

July 15, 2006

Hmmm...

(I am stealing again. I saw this quote somewhere and LOVED it. But I don't remember the person who wrote it. If anyone knows the author, please let me know.)

"The depth of one's belief determines the intensity of one's motivation."

This is SO true. I have met quite a few people (no one in particular-ahem!) who have commented on my (growing) passion for the Lord and wished they could have the same. Well if you truly believe in the Lord and that He is who says He is, you will have the same passion and beyond.

Okay, that didn't make any sense. But hopefully y'all got the gist of it...

July 14, 2006

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

"Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for
Love is passing by,


Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,


Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so


Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,


And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so


Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,


Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then


Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,


O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then


Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,


And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and


Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,


Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live."


I LOVE those lyrics. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time about called, "Broken Boxes." But this song has meaning to me because I experience and do all the things mentioned in the song on a daily basis, especially the "falling on Jesus" part. It helped me, maybe it will help you. Goodnight, I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night so I'll play "catch-up" now.

*Yawn*

I shouldn't be awake, but I couldn't sleep. So I am here, doing nothing.

July 13, 2006

"My Secret"

No one else knows my secret,
But I'll tell you.
I may look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up,
All the thing we wanted
To become when we were ten years old.

But inside, I am still a scared little girl
When the lights go out
And I am alone with my nightmares,
My fears and
My softly falling tears.

But I still look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up.
So I can't run to Mom,
Throw open her bedroom door,
And climb under her covers.
So I lie in my bed
And wait for the sun to
Peep over my window sill.

But I do not wait alone.
Jesus knows my secret.
He knows I am a baby lamb in sheep's clothing,
And I need the comforting presence
Of my Shepherd.

So He comes to me.
And when my flesh and heart fail me,
He catches me as I fall.
When my anxious thoughts overwhlem me,
His consolations give me rest.

I am still a little lamb in sheep's clothing,
But my good Shepherd watches over me
By night and by day.
And any troubles that assail me in the night
Cannot overcome the power of my Shepherd's might.
And now YOU know my secret...

"For He gives to His beloved even in her sleep."-Psalm 127:2

"They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:13

July 12, 2006

Almost tomorrow...



"I WEAR YOUR LOVE"
Written by Gary Burr, Performed by Kathy Mattea

The things I've collected, bought or selected
The clutter that fills up my room,
I can lock up and leave it, never retrieve it.
Leave nothing but my love for you.
Let the storm winds blow, I will not be cold.

I wear your love
Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down
I wear your love
like a bright suit of armor reflecting the sun
On the chilliest night though I travel light
It is always enough for I wear your love.

You watched without knowing where I was going
Trusting the vision I'd found
For if dreams were a fire, I had desire
That could burn this old house to the ground.
So I walk quite free, for surrounding me

I wear your love
ike a scarf that I borrowed that still holds your perfume.
I wear your love
pulled tight as I'm sleeping under a cold lovers's moon.
On the chilliest night though I travel light.
It is always enough for I wear your love.

Don't you know, can't you see
Head to toe it is covering me
Like a stone, the oceans's tide
Nothing can hurt me or turn me aside.
For I wear your love

Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down.
I wear your love
Like a badge of devotion of love and be-yond.
On the chilliest night though I travel light,
It is always enough for I wear your love.
It is always enough for I wear your love."

I wear Jesus' love on my heart
And in every area of my life.
I would a walking dead person without Him
Because life would be so empty and death would be so near.
I wear Jesus' love on my heart...

(By the way, I am copying again (italics and graphics only.) A blogger friend of mine put the perfect song and graphic together and it was SUCH a blessing to me that I am extending it to my readers to be a blessing to them, I don't think she'll mind. (http://thebluebirdofhappinesscomestotea.blogspot.com/)

I am a Peach.

"In many ways, I like to model myself and aspire to the cherry's example. The cherry is boldly colored, its juice staining anything. The cherry isn't afraid to stand out. And yet it is sweet and kind to all who bother to come into contact with it. It's also nutritious. I too strive to be nutritious. At the core of the cherry, it is solid, rock-hard. It cannot be easily destroyed or broken. I strive to have my own cherry pit, at my center."-Scribbley, author of Giraffe Racing and Other Musings (http://girafferacing.blogspot.com)

Until I read that post, I never really thought about the cherry or the peach for that matter. But it is true that we humans should be like them, for the most part. The stone in the center is like our souls that should be unshakeable in our faith, BUT soft and open to the Lord's correction through His Holy Spirit and true believers in Him. And our outsides, what the world sees, should be sweet yet with the tart reality of the whole truth lacing the entire bundle. So maybe Scrib said it all better, I AM stealing his idea afterall, but tomorrow I will be like the cherry. (Or the peach because it has a slightly thicker skin which is necessary in this cutthroat and harsh world we live in.)

That didn't make sense. But it did to me. Thanks, Scrib.

Life's a crazy tornado, and I am stuck in its funnel!!!

I think that is one of my best titles ever, eh?

Life IS like a tornado right now. At least I am getting more sleep at night. All last week I was having horrible nightmares so I was more tired when I woke up than when I went to sleep the night before. But that seems to have passed and I can sleep for 6 hours. (Thank You, Lord!)

I stopped by my old job today to pick up my sister. I am SO glad I do not work there anymore--it is such an immature environment. Besides, who ever got buff sitting on a guard stand? Yesterday, for my day's work on the ranch, we bucked hay bales (roughly 40-50 lbs. each)- a total of 328 to be precise, and I handled ever single one since I was stacking and unstacking. I LOVE bucking hay, even though you get super hot and sticky. There's just something about raw physical work and feeling sore (in a good way) afterwards that I just love.

Anyway, sorry this post sounded like a middle-schooler on her second triple-shot cappucino. I have been so mature for my past dozen posts that I wanted to let my hair down (WHICH by the way has been cut and colored for about the 10th time this year. I'll get a picture up STAT.)

July 08, 2006

Just a sentence...

I started a photo blog. (http://photodiaryofasinglestudent.blogspot.com)

July 07, 2006

"Jesus Loves Me!"

I slide down to sit on the cold bathroom floor,
My back against the abruptly slammed door.
This has become my regular haunt.
Always weeping, I come.
I failed again, I say to myself,
And clench my fists so tight
My nails leave red crescent moons on my palms.
This time, like all the others,
It was my quick tongue
And rapid-fire temper
(that quickly goes and leaves remorse)
That brought me to this dark room
Alone, with teary mascara-stained cheeks.
I am so tired.
My eyes are heavy, so heavy
With the weight of sleep
And yet unspilled tears,
On the brink of flooding over.
I am tired
Because this same thing happened last night
And I am tired
Because I see the futility of fixing this myself.
So I close my eyes,
Raise my hands
And start to sing
That soft lullaby
We know so well-
Jesus loves me
This I know
Because the Bible tells me so...
He loves me
Because I trust Him.
He loves me
Because I obey Him.
He loves me
Because He made me
And He knew my name
Even before my ancestors were born
And knew how many tears
Would ever drop from my eyes.
I love Him
Because He first loved me.
I love Him
Because without His love and comfort in my life,
What else is there to live for?
I can't spend the rest of my life
On the cold bathroom floor,
And I know I will continue to make mistakes.
But I also know,
As long as I continue to follow Him
Like a clumsy, little lamb,
Jesus loves me
This I know,
Because He tells me so...
(Okay, you can comment but don't criticize too harshly because this all happened last night. Actually, sure, go ahead and criticize. It doesn't change what my message is to myself, to God, and to you...)

July 05, 2006

Lost Poems Found

I have a bad habit I am completely willing to admit. During church, when I am not listening with rapt attention which is 85% of the time, I am writing poetry about what I am hearing. The result is over a dozen decent poems scattered around my notes. I finally went through and typed them all up. I took the more decent of them and am going to allow you to pick them to pieces with your criticisms. Hahaha! I suppose I shouldn't feel so protective of them, but I should figure out ways to make them better for which I need you. So be gentle.

Yes, I am in the midst of the fun kind of busy, at least everyday but today. I am home alone on grandmother-duty. Did I tell y'all she turned 90 on Sunday? Well, she is really slowing down and needs round-the-clock care, which I am willing to do. It is good practice for me since I HAVE to be cheerful and patient because I don't want to have to look back at her funeral and say, with tears, I could have been kinder. Besides, for the level of pain she is in 24/7, you would not believe how cheerful and patient she is with ME! I feel so blessed to have her with us.

Oh, right, the poems. Here they are, in random order:

"Perfection"

I’ve come to terms
With the truth:
My New Year’s resolution
Will never occur-
I will never be perfect.
The Bible says
Present yourself an
Unashamed workman.
Well I am ashamed of my handiwork.
I try and try
To avoid scarlet cheeks
And the constant parade
Of my foot to my mouth.
I wear rubber bans to remind me,
Tape to bind my mouth shut
But somehow, I always slip up.
Like today and the day before,
And the weekend before that,
I nearly ready to join a convent.

But hiding away from life’s little slips,
Means never showing God’s greatest gifts-
Forgiveness and love,
Mercy and peace.

When He made me,
He knew what He created.
He created an imperfect (by my standards)
Girl, who speaks before she thinks,
And leaps before she looks.
And even though I often find myself
Tumbling down
Because of another mistake,
The best leap I ever made
Was the one straight into His arms.

That blind faith is
The only kind of perfection
He asks for and the only kind I’ll ever need.

6/28/06

Before and After

Before I chose Jesus,
Every trial seemed a curse,
Because it spelled “helplessness.”
But now,
Every hardship has a purpose,
Like a puzzle piece that fits into a picture
I cannot yet see.

Before I chose Jesus,
The only person I could truly trust
Was myself.
But now,
Even if every person alive betrayed me,
The Creator of the Milky Way
Would never leave me.

Before I chose Jesus,
Life was brief and meaningless and ends in
A ride in a long, black hearse.
But,
Life is a brilliant journey and ends in
A joyful reunion with my eternal Father
In an everlasting city paved with gold.

(I made the changes, as requested, what do you think?)

God's Promises

I never said this would easy.
I never promised a life free of pain.
I never wrote magic into My letters to you
That would dry up every tear
Before you even thought about it falling.

I did say that when
Mountains rise up in front of you
And the thunderclouds in life
Shade your sky,
I will never leave you.

I did promise to comfort
Your spirit
When nothing on earth could
Ease your suffering
And to catch every tear in a bottle.

I did write love in My letters.
A love that, even though
The page is tear-stained, will
Remind you that you are
Not ever alone.

6/7/06

Let's call this one "Help."

Simple minds
And weak bodies
Can be the wisest and
The strongest.
Did you know this?

Do you want to be the least?
Do you know that the lowest depths
Are the greatest heights?
Did you know that the feeblest man
Is the sturdiest of all?

How can one explain
The miracle of faith?
How can one put in plain words
The metamorphosis
Of a cowardly mind
To the heart of a lion?
How can one explain the power
Of the Lord?

I cannot.
One cannot tell the majesty
Of the Lord that we serve,
Whose folly is wiser
Than all of man’s wisdom,
And whose weakness is mightier
Than all of man’s strength.

This is the God I serve.
I am weak, but He is strong.
He says that the last shall be first,
The least shall be greatest,
And the humblest will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

O, Lord!
Help me be the least.
Help me let go of my fa├žade of strength
For the vastness and reality of Yours.

O, Lord!
Help me be last.
Help me lay down the pride and the will that
Keeps trying to get ahead but only knocks me down,
For the glory that is You.

O, Lord!
Help me be humble.
Help me accept the missteps and mistakes that come from
Being alive on this earth, instead of defending my honor,
For the perfection of faith in you.

O, Lord!
Help me deserve the kingdom of heaven.

1-16-06

July 03, 2006

(No Title. Haha!)

I am SUPER busy. I have NOT deserted my blog. As soon as I get a chance to write something worth putting up here, I will. To my faithful "listening" audience (you know who you are), thanks for being patient. I appreciate you.

June 23, 2006

A New "Reality"

Why do Christians in America have this twisted feeling of entitledness? Why do they feel that the Lord OWES them something, as if Him dying for them wasn't enough? Why do they rejoice and praise Him only when life seems to be "going their way?" I have encountered this attitude so many times in my life and have even felt it myself a few times and I am SICK of it. The Lord gave me salvation and I would be content if I suffered misery for the rest of my life, because I know that as long as I keep my hope and eyes pinned on Christ, I will spend eternity with Him.

One of my favorite books is called, "Tortured for Christ," by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand. Every Christian needs to read this book in order to gain a measure of perspective in our cushioned, protected, and easy lives here in the States. Rev. Wurmbrand was in prison (I think in Hungary) for 15 years. Through that time, he and many fellow Christians were tortured for Christ and lost their families, homes and some even lost their lives for the sake of Christ. Yet, after his release from the prison, and while touring the world to raise public knowledge of the imprisoned Christians, he said he had not encountered any Christians happier than the ones yet in prison. They counted all lost for Christ and felt honored that He counted them worthy to suffer for His name. I need this attitude. We all do.

It is no wonder that Christians in America are on the brink of losing their religious freedom (www.truthtellers.org) since they are trying to re-write reality. They think that Christianity is about easy living and numerous blessings. Oh, how wrong they are! Heaven is when we can live easily and have never-ending blessings. Christian life is supposed to be a struggle, but through it all, we have the peace that passes understanding in our souls no matter how un-peaceful our physical life may be.

June 01, 2006

Here me speak!! :)

this is an audio post - click to play


"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

May 19, 2006

Where to now???


This girl is five-years old. A National Geographic photographer took this of her while she was watching for rainbows. She stayed on the roof of that car for a half hour, just watching, patient in the knowledge that if she just waited long enough, she WOULD see a rainbow. She saw three.

Several years ago, my attitude about what lay down the road was one of being apprehensive, not so much one of excitement. I was especially nervous if I saw a storm in the near future. This little girl is watching a storm, perhaps getting closer and closer, and yet, her first thoughts about it are to watch for a rainbow that WILL appear.

I want to look for the rainbows in life's storms. I want to be like a racehorse at the starting gate about the future. God has amazing things planned for me, not only in the future, but in the present!

Life is an incredible journey. If you keep looking at the adventures you had in the past and longing for them, you will miss the incredible adventures happening RIGHT NOW!!

Whenever it seems like there is a storm in your life, remember that the sun is always shining behind a cloud, and always, always look for the rainbow...

May 18, 2006

"To My Core"

Something about the zig-zagging course
Of a bolt of electrifying light
In the expanse of the night
Astounds my soul.

Something about the reverberating clap
Of ominous, Zeus-like hands,
Thundering anger in response,
Roots me in rapt wonder
To the mere inches of ground
My humble feet claim.

Something about the proud
Roar of a conquering lion
Drives such a feeling of insignificance
Into my heart
That I feel ashamed to watch
His proud prowl
Across the sandy, rolling grass of the dark continent.

Something about the heart-wrenching wails
Of the great blue fishes,
Buried in the watery expanse,
Crying for another
To soften its solitary existence,
Makes me listen as I have never listened before.

Something about the way
You speak to me
As you try to
Share your deep, inexpressible love
Shakes me to my core.

May 15, 2006

Just a Tad Toasty.....

We broke a 36-year old record today, up here in Oregon (the land of "eternal rain," (voice dripping with sarcasm.)) We got to the high of 95 degrees, I believe, which is, perhaps, not all that warm for you out-of-staters, like Californians or Australians, but it is HOT for us. It is now 5:15 and still paralyzingly warm. I made the foolish attempt of going horseback riding during my noon lunch break from work, and after two minutes in the sun, forsook the idea in order to quick finish my work and go home (with a stop for ice cream on the way home, of course.)
Now I get to go play volleyball in a hot gym for three hours. Oh, goody!! No, really, I love volleyball. But who I really feel for is my little brother who gets to play a baseball game.
However, in the face of adversity, the very stoutest in us is brought forth to show the world the warriors and the wimps. In the face of a sun that causes even the coldest ice cream cone to drip from its lofty heights to my lap in seconds, I will stand fast.
(I suppose this isn't a high quality post, is it? I wrote an essay on embryonic stem cell research a couple weeks ago and perhaps I should post that. Ohhhh, the discussions that would arise!!)
Toodles, pip-pip and all the British stuff!

May 09, 2006

No words...

I apologize for my "long" breaks in between posts. I am more and more of the mindset that I should post when I have something valuable to say. And I don't.

ALTHOUGH, it is worth noting I am doing FANTASTIC (that is due to God's grace in my life because there are quite a few factors that could make my life quite miserable and fortunately, aren't.)

That is all.

May 06, 2006

Quote of the Month

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

-Marianne Williamson

I also like the quote that says, "No man made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." However, I am not quite sure who said that, any help?

Tips for a Visit to Southern Cali



This picture was taken right after I finished surfing on a 9'8" longboard, last summer in California, on La Joya Beach. I loved surfing so much. I wish I could do it more often.

Some interesting things to note for y'all who haven't surfed and/or haven't been to South Cali:

  1. DON'T mess with a surfing guy's territory. I have surfed three times. The first time, I was about 13-14, and I saw an awesome wave coming in off on the right. I called out "coming in on the right!" to tell all the guys about that wave. Little did I know that when you get to a wave first (which I had) you have dibs on it. Other surfers can ride it, but NOT if you call out the direction you are going to ride a wave. I, unfortunately, rode the wave straight down. It was one of the best waves to come in that day and they were all TICKED. Talk about not letting something drop! They were still all mad and yelling at me when I left.
  2. Appearance is everything to the richies. I even saw a PIZZA DELIVERY guy driving a brand-new Audi. Makes me wonder why he has the delivery job if he can afford an Audi...oh wait, it's cause he CAN'T afford the Audi! He needs the job to make payments. This is so over-the-top, it is sickeningly wrong. There are millions of people starving in this world, yet in the world of Southern California, spend if you've got it, borrow if you don't, and there is no limit to how in debt you should get in order to fit in.
  3. Expect to cause an accident on the freeway if you wave, smile, or make any attempt at friendliness. I'm serious. 75% of Southern Californians are mean, snobby people. (At least, in the rich parts of it. I'm talking Orange County, etc.) You would think that when they all have cosmetic surgery, they get the doctor to take out their basic decency too. My dad rented a convertible while we down there and my little brother and I made a game to see how many people we could get to smile and wave at us. During our entire week down there, we got a grand, smashing total of 10 waves back.
  4. Do not, I repeat, do NOT make eye contact with the Hispanic men. I have NOTHING against them (except when they are illegal immigrants.) But they have a completely different culture and if you look their way, they think you are "in love" with them. Hahaha! I am not kidding. It is actually sort of scary...
  5. The Buffalo Exchange is a worse rip-off there than in Portland. For y'all who don't know what a Buffalo Exchange is, it is like a high-end thrift store. It is bad enough in Portland, but in Pacific Beach/San Diego, everything costs about $10-15 more than it is worth. I AM SERIOUS. Don't even waste your time. Besides, all the clothes, for the girls at least, are a size 0, thanks to Hollywood's powerful influence, "the skinnier the better."

May 05, 2006

"Rising At Dawn"

(This is the sequel to "Sad Fairy." PLEASE notice that this is a poem with a happy ending. The fairy is sort of like a phoenix rising from the ashes.)

----------------------------------------------------------

Night descends softly
Like a dark blanket
Dotted with flecks of snow.
Standing in the gathering dew,
The fairy waits.

Somewhere the sun is shining
Just not in this slice of earth.
The land of the fairy is dark
Like the garb of coffin-bearers
And the tear-stained black lace
On a widow's face.

Standing in the gathering dew,
The fairy waits.
Sleep does not steal
The thoughts from her head
And the visions from her blue eyes.

Sinking gently to the wet earth,
The fairy tires of her endless guard
Over the past,
Over what is no more,
Over what has been given up
To gain what cannot be lost.

Glancing down to the shadow-clad ground,
The fairy spies the cloud of a dandelion
Spreading its seeds.
Remembering the lore of the wish-granting power
Of this thing of ethereal beauty,
She plucks it gently
And brings her lips close
As if to plant a salty kiss on this once-sunny flower,
But instead, she blows upon it,
Scattering its offspring to the four corners of the earth,
Each parachuting seed bearing a fairy's wish for sunshine
And a gentle place for happiness to grow.

The night is drawing to an end,
The fairy gazes up and
The last star she can find
Is the most northern in the sky.
Wish upon the star she does
And then bows her head,
Says a prayer
For the one that she lost.

But the sun is shining through the dark,
Warming the fairy's face,
Melting the cold that had frozen
Her heart,
Helping it feel love again.

The fairy still walks alone
Under the pink causeway
Of the merciful dawn sky,
But she mourns no more
For what was given up
To gain what cannot be lost.

The fairy rises from her bed of tears
To face the rising of the dawn....

May 04, 2006

Quotes I Love

"Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow."
-Aesop

"Love flies, runs, and rejoices; it is free and nothing can hold it back. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Who has a harder fight than he who is striving to overcome himself. "
-Thomas a Kempis

"Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be."
-Thomas a Kempis, Imitation of Christ

"We are not doubting that God will do best for us, we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be."
-C.S. Lewis

"The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for."
-Dan Millman

"Wherefore let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall."
-1 Corinthians 10: 12

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear."
-1 John 4:18

"In critical moments even the very powerful have need of the weakest."
-Aesop

"Sad Fairy"

Bright pink flowers carpet
The golden trees.
Two stems plucked from their
High havens,
Adorn the head of a sad fairy.

Two stems dropped
To the ground.
One on the dark causeway under the trees
One placed in a gutter,
To make an ugly thing beautiful.

Days slip by on tender tiptoes,
Alone, the sad fairy walked the route
Of lakeside splendor,
Stopping to gather
Two dead pink stems into her ashen hands,
Placed carefully between two snowy pages,
To keep the past touchable
Forever.

Dead pink flowers carpet
Brown trees,
Dead pink flowers fall
To this earth's floor,
Reminders of the sad fairy walking
Alone....

May 02, 2006

Today is a Passionate Day.

Some days, I am like a zombie. I walk around, sort of spaced out. Some days, I am at extremes. I feel everything very keenly and if I am sad, I am really sad. If I am happy, I am really happy. And so on and so forth.

Today, I feel strongly about the cruelty of so many women today. (I have been thinking alot about abortion.) How can women be so cruel as to kill their unborn children? To take away their only chance to be able to feel the hot sun on their faces, to hear a nightingale sing, or watch a monarch butterfly flit across their path, to feel the spray of a magnificent waterfall as it cascades over the treacherous rocks? How can women explain away killing someone, so they can be comfortable? It doesn't make sense. Today, I mourn the loss of a third of my generation....

April 26, 2006

If this world were perfect....

If this world were perfect….

If this world were perfect, there would be no one-sided romances; everyone who fell in love, would have their love returned ten-fold.

If this world were perfect, your first, true love would be your last, because there would be no broken hearts, and the only end to your story would be “and they lived happily ever after.”

If this world were perfect, there would be no lovers’ quarrels, no divorces, no fatherless children; every marriage would last forever, a lifelong honeymoon. (There would be no marriage counselors, because every marriage would be magical.)

If this world were perfect, there wouldn’t be any days in life when the sun doesn’t come out, and you feel alone, alone and friendless.

If this world were perfect, we would regret it.

Every single thing that feels hard to you today, is making you a better person. It is preparing you for that one person that you will spend your life with, laugh with, share your triumphs with, and cry with. Every single thing that you don’t want to face was put there to help you to grow.

God won’t make a mountain we can’t climb. He won’t ask us to carry a load we can’t lift. So the next time you find yourself wishing for a perfect world, remember that though the thorns sting for but a little while, the rose is worth the struggle.

“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”- Charles A. Beard

Is a title required to make a post complete?

Today was fantastic, as my friend says, legendarily divine. I met some of my family at my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing boat, and we took it for a sail down the Columbia (or was it up?) to its new home in Camas, Washington. It was about a three-hour cruise and the weather, although not sunny, was not too cold or windy and was not wet so it was nice. I didn't have to look at a school book all day and I ate many cookies. However, I did not eat enough cookies to feel guilty now, just enough to feel like I indulged to the point of satisfaction. It is a terrible thing to stint yourself windmill-shaped cookies when you want them. Everything in moderation, I say.

I have re-read my previous post, and I have learned things about the female mind that I sort of "knew" but not terribly well. I mean, I too am confused about all the ins and outs. Why don't we come with user's manuals? That would make things so much simpler...

On a plus, I have been very, very poetic for the past week. I have written at least one good and three "okay" poems every day. However, the good poems are always very, shall we say, revealing about the state of my heart and I am not sure I am at the point where I can share it. Perhaps if you were to ask really nicely, I would let you read one of them, but don't get your hopes up. Remember my christening post, "Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?" (Hmm, I really like those lines, perhaps I should use my own creativity in another form, since that post has long since been discarded into the never-opened archives...)

Tomorrow I return to the life of your average college student, you know the type, the ones who don't work on airplanes and take entire days to ride around on huge boats. Friday, I have a mid-term in math. My teacher says he expects it to be an eye-opener and we will all fail or at least come close. (Isn't he, "Mr. Optimistic??") Perhaps I should study...

So for now, adieu, my faithful readers!

April 25, 2006

A Promised Expose of the Female Mind: As Understood By Author/ Operator

I am a female, but that does not give me any deep insights to the female mind since I am still understanding why it has to work the way it does.

Female brains tend to overfocus. I suppose you could say the average girl (I am using myself as an example, remember) will overprocess, and overthink everything that is said to her if it is of any value, emotionally especially. If a guy told me he thought I was pretty, I would probably spend a good deal of time wondering what his real motive, etc., was, even though he probably meant just, and only, what he said.

It has been said to me that guys are very straightforward. Females are much less so. We will spend hours, possibly even days, thinking about the right way to say something if it is something that could have a huge impact, such as admitting deeper feelings than friendship, or breaking off a relationship. Even worse, after we say it, we will re-analyze it and then beat ourselves up if we discover a way we could have said it better. This is why, unless you are dealing with a terribly heartless female, you will receive an email saying something important, and then another email clarifying or specifying what she said in the first, perhaps even apologizing. We always want to find the best, least hurtful way to say everything, and not that many things are simply "off the cuff."

Before I continue, I want to specify that these are general guidelines, and perhaps only to a specific type of female. There are exceptions to every rule and there are females that are very selfish, cruel, and mean. Do not, I repeat, do not give up heart if you come across one of these females; they do not represent the majority of women. At least, I should hope not.
Now let's talk about day to day life. A female will wake up in the morning and her first practical thoughts are just that, practical. She is going to think about what she will eat for breakfast, perhaps even dinner and what she is going to wear and what things she will occupy herself with throughout the day. Sometimes she gets really unpractical and starts planning about what to do if she sees "him" or what she'll say to so-and-so, etc.
Now comes the topic of clothing and appearance. Females tend to overfocus on clothes. We are sort of protective of our styles. If we don't ask for criticism, don't offer it, and better yet, don't give criticism even when asked, unless the female in question is a relative, and even then you are treading on slippery ground. However, we do desperately need and appreciate compliments. Because whether it looks like it or not, the average female makes a sincere effort to make herself look good for the male population and it is always nice when they show their appreciation.
Another thing, I would stay away from the dreaded "weight" topic entirely. Sometimes, there are exceptions though, and you may ALWAYS tell a female that she looks great, very slim, or something general like that. But be careful not to imply that she needed to lose weight. I think that a really nice guy (J.L.) I know handled a tough situtation that I, unthinkingly, placed him in. We were lifeguarding together a couple months ago and for some bizarre reason I asked him if it looked like I had lost weight because I had been trying. He said, "I didn't notice because I always thought you looked wonderful." Or something like that. THAT is a perfect example of male-manuevering out of a sticky situation. Fortunately, not all females are as blunder-headed as me and won't put you there but if you ever find yourself in such a spot, PANIC. No, I am just kidding....
I feel so superficial writing about my sex in such a way, but I think while I have all these traits, I am not your average "pretty girl." I am rough and tumble, sort of, so it is a little easier for guys to be around me, or so I have been told.
This is my first forray into the recesses of the female mind which I do not pretend to fully understand myself. I feel so sorry for you men, and promise to be as undifficult as possible in every situation in the future, now that I have written and therefore, better seen what you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

April 24, 2006

A Gentle Laughter Ringing in My Ears

That title has nothing to do with this post. I just liked the way it sounds when I say it out loud. Am I being ridiculous and silly? Probably so. But I am tired, so give me a teeny-tiny break. Why am I tired, since I continue to procrastinate till the last minute with all my homework??

Yesterday, we went biking on the Springwater Trail. This is a nice, flat, concrete trail that is miles and miles long. We, my family and my best friend, biked 12 miles. No, that wouldn't make me tired. What made me tired is my best friend used my bike and I had to scooter. You remember the type, those scooters that were immensely popular 2 or 3 years ago? Anyway, I scootered for 11 MILES. Hahaha! I feel so powerful and yet, so incredibly sore.

But that is just me babbling again. Once again, I don't feel brilliant. Isn't that the way things go? I come up with a brilliant post, a silly post, a brilliant post, a silly post, and so on and so forth. Today I go to work. As my friend Scribbley says, people are putting their lives into my hands today. Now isn't that a scary thought!!!?? Anyone who knows me from the pool would be a little concerned, but really, I am quite capable!! I need to go take a shower, perhaps that and this steaming cup of coffee will wake me up....

Stay tuned for an expose of the female's brain processes. At least as much as I can understand of the female's brain processes, which isn't much! (How DO you guys handle us????)

April 22, 2006

Something to think about...

Face it- I am a hopeless romantic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that though, but sometimes it is annoying, to myself. I just finished that Indian movie, “Dil to Pagal Hai.” It made me so, I don’t know, excited and romantic as well as expectant. I can’t wait to be in love. I can’t wait till I feel this way:

“When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. When he laughs, I feel like dancing. When he loves me, my eyes fill with tears. He has made me realize that he is made for me, and I for him.”

But for now, until God sees fit to give me that, I will work on my relationship with the Lord and with my family. I need to feel that way about the Lord and develop a more personal relationship with Him. I want to, too. He has done so much for me; He is deserving of everything I could give Him, He is deserving of all of me.

All my life, people have been telling me they loved me. My parents told me. My family told me. Friends told me. Guys told me. But, it doesn’t matter what they tell me. What matters is what they do. My dad left us, my mom and all six of us kids. My big brother left us too. My friends have rejected me for the truth that God has given me to give them. Most of those guys wanted me to hold back a crucial, if not the most crucial, part of me, my faith in God, in order to have a relationship with them. If these people truly loved me, their actions would have been in my best interest. But they weren’t. All their actions were in their best interest. They did what felt good.

Other people have told me they loved me, and truly shown it. My mom gave up her marriage so that we children would be safe from an immature father, who was emotionally abusive. My best friend Becki will tell me the truth, that I need to hear, instead of holding back out of fear of my getting offended. Most of all, God has told me He loves me and has proven it in every action He has ever taken towards me, every single one.

So love is not what you say, it is what you do. I want to prove my love for God with my actions. I want to prove my love for my family with the way I relate to them. And when I meet the man I am going to marry, I want to prove my love to him through what I do, not only through what I say.

April 21, 2006

It is about time.

I had a whole page written about relationships. It was actually witty and made sense but I erased the whole thing. I don't know who is reading this blog and I guess I don't want to take the chance on revealing some, um, information.

So I will complete this post with meaningless drivel. If you must, you can try to read in between the lines and get something magnificent out of it, but it would be a waste of your time. I am hopelessly unclever, unfunny, and un"magnificent" this morning. Sorry to disappoint you.

I got new glasses yesterday, glasses that actually make me want to forgoe contacts. The first time my mom saw them she said, "They make you look SMART." As opposed to what, Mom?? Other than the new and improved "smart" factor, my new glasses are nearly invisible, which is their biggest attraction to me. I like nearly invisible.

Speaking of invisible, do you ever wish you could turn invisible for a while and listen in on conversations you were never supposed to hear? I do, sometimes. I also wish I could fly, no, not in an airplane, just fly, like a falcon, or a golden eagle.

I wish I could blame my current state of mind of sleep depravation again but I can't. I went to bed early last night and slept in this morning. I think I am just in one of my "wierd" moods. There are two Russians sitting at the table across from mine. They are babbling on in Russian and staring off into space. The guy looks like he'd rather be anywhere but sitting next to the girl who won't stop talking and looks like a skinny bumblebee because her shirt is BRIGHT yellow. Are you shocked? That wasn't very nice of me. Allow me to try again. She looks like a sunflower.

I need to go get food, or coffee or something. I just need to get out of the library at the college and off the campus. Maybe I should fly somewhere, like New York or England. Okay, now I am scaring myself with my wierdness....

April 20, 2006

I wrote this last night.

I am so tired but there is no way I can get to sleep. My mind is running circles around in my head. My sister has a cold and she is snoring SO loudly. It is dark in my room, but if I turn the light over my bed on, she will wake up and she will NOT be happy, forgetting the fact that she has kept me up for the past half hour! So I choose not to incur her wrath, and so I write this by the light of a dimly shining flashlight, on the old-fashioned method of paper and pen.

I just watched half of a movie from India called, "Dil to Pagal Hai." It means "The Heart is Mad." The whole motto of this movie is "Someone, somewhere was made for you." It made me feel SO romantic, as actually, all Indian movies do.

I do not believe in coincidences. I think that everything, I repeat, everything happens for a reason. Only God can know the end result of everything that happens and we humans are simply along for the ride. A lot of things have happened in my 18 years that are too "random" and have had such varied, wonderful results to let me believe they simply...happened. Like the time that I ran across the street without looking for cars (when I was 6?) and hit a truck coming down the hill. I mean hit, because I smacked the rear of the truck with my wrist and the car NEVER crossed in front of me. Oh wait, that is a miracle. I can't think straight right now because I am so tired and my sister continues to snore, ask me sometime about all these random things and I will tell you...

But anyway, I believe that someday, I will meet the most perfect match for me that could ever be. Just like in that movie, the guy and the girl spend their whole lives on opposite sides of the same city annd never meet. Then one day, they cross pathes and their lives are COMPLETELY changed, forever.

I am not making any sense, am I? Oh well, practice your reading comprehension skills. I MUST go to bed, my day starts an hour earlier tomorrow....Goodnight.

April 19, 2006

Contemplating adulthood on my 18th birthday.


This picture is, hmm, five months old??

Sometimes, I am SUCH a show-off... :)

But only sometimes. Have I mentioned that I love to snowboard? No, I am not "one of THOSE girls." You know the type, the ones that buy the designer outfit and stand around looking pretty and making cow eyes at the guys. I just like strapping a narrow, flimsy board to my feet and careening down a mountainside at 20-something (or is it more?) miles per hour. Hahaha! To answer your question, yes, I am doing better today.

Anyway, no, I didn't go snowboarding today. I was working on my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing vessel today. He is turning it into a research vessel, slowly but surely. He has grandiose schemes of being able to put his little float plane (a Piper Cub) on the back of the boat and sailing around the world, or at least the Pacific Northwest. :) So how was I showing off, you may ask?

Well, our specific reason for being on the boat today was unloading huge barrels, full of bilge water (oily water), that weighed 400-500 lbs. EACH! We had to get them on the little barrel frame thingy, then use a pulley system (that was SO not automated) to get them up over the side of the boat and down onto a little cart. Then, I steered the cart, with a few people pushing it, to the truck. (I am really bad at distance so I have no idea how far away it was, but it took about 5 minutes because we were on a dock the whole time.) Just before the truck, we had to take this massive barrel up a long steep ramp and yes, I was still pulling, looking tough, showing off my "gym" muscles. Hahaha! Okay, enough, you don't care about the whole barrel thing or how "buff" I am.

Here is something interesting. I am REALLY sunburnt. I don't know what the weather is like somewhere else in the country, say in Tennessee, but it was HOT in Oregon today.

On a more interesting topic....um, I can't think of anything. Maybe now isn't the best time to blog because I have nothing to say. On the bright side, at least I am not feeling mournful enough to write another sad, depressing poem. I have been writing a LOT of those lately and a few of them are on this site. So, you know who you are, leave me a comment on those poems PUHLEEZE because I wrote them for/about ( etc.) you.

As I look over this post, it seems so immature. Not at all on the same level as my usual posts. Oh well, in everyone's life there are times to just be happy and sort of silly. There are also times for tears, I have had a lot of those lately so it is about time for a happy day...

April 18, 2006

It gets a little better in the end.

I never look forward to night anymore. It used to be my favorite time of day because the world seemed asleep, and so peaceful. My family is all in bed, except my sister, who works a graveyard security shift.

But now, I hate the night, just like I hate mornings. The best time of day is lunchtime and early afternoon. The only good thing about the night is that the day is almost over. But still! Night is when you have to lie in bed and just think. I am not one of those people who have found magical switches in their brain and can just stop thinking as soon as the lights go out. Well, I used to be, but not since I started to take on adult responsibilities and an adult mindset.

The worst thing about night is that I become irrational. Things that I can face under the shining light of the sun become overwhelming and despairingly depressive when I turn out the rice paper lantern over my bed, and lay my head on my soft pillow. It has gotten to the point where I am not getting to sleep till one or two in the morning and then have to wake up before 7 am.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I am feeling guilty now for having complained so much. Compared to the rest of the world, I have very few problems. People are dying right this very minute. A child just found out that their mother will never come back from the store because a drunk driver hit and killed her, and that child will have to live without a mother's love and comforting presence. A woman, in the depths of despair, aborted her child, and for the next decades of her life, will regret her decision. Someone, somewhere, found out that, "No, you will never regain use of your legs." Someone was just told they have no more than a couple weeks to live. Someone just found out that the love of their life was killed and will never come back to them, so they could kiss them passionatiely, and hold them and quietly absorb and share their love.

And me, all I have to worry about is a few bills that I can't really afford to pay, a relationship that I wish hadn't had to end, and mild sleep depravation. Yes, I have it good compared to the rest of the world...

April 17, 2006

A Little Bit of Me

As I look back over this past decade, I wish I could rewind time, and do it all over again. I would change so much, and yet, I know this doesn’t make sense, I would change so little. I would have wanted to meet all the people I have met, been in almost all the “guy-girl” relationships I have, and experienced almost everything I have.

I remember being 8. I had a short pixie cut, wore dresses only when forced, and loved running around with the boys. I prided myself on not crying when I got hurt. I thought blood was cool and scars were the mark of an adventurer, of someone who took the road less traveled. I was more of a monkey than a little girl. I loved trees and the forest. I loved dirt and everything about dirt, especially making mud pies and mud balls. I loved taking risks, like chasing horses (which got my cheekbone shattered into dozens of pieces). I loved bugs, especially worms. I was a little tomboy. What happened to my 8-year old self???

I remember being 15. When I was 15, I was mostly the “pretty” girl, who screamed if she saw a spider, and liked wearing lip gloss and dressing up. I always wanted to be older. Sometimes my 8-year old self slipped out and I would wrestle with my sister and guy cousins, and get dirty. But, I overly cared about what other people thought, and that showed in my inhibitions.

Now I am 18, and I am finding a new self. I care less about what other people think and I like bugs again, except spiders but I never scream, unless one is actually on me. I care about improving myself spiritually and mentally. My biggest desire is no longer to find the “perfect” man but to make God happy with me, as He is as I love and obey Him.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I see the truth in this. If I could do it again, I would truly love more, forgive more, give more of myself to others, get away from the mirror and go outside more.

I have been listening to a song called, “It’s Getting Better All the Time.” I just got through one of the best and worst school terms in my entire life. It is bizarre to think that any experience can be both the best and the worst but last term was just that. If I could live it over, I would have thought more about the other person and less about my own feelings, I would have shared God’s love with everyone I met, and I would have been grateful for every day and every experience and learned from them, instead of doing the same thing over and over and making the same mistakes.

Why dwell in the past? Because through learning lessons from our past, we improve our future. (Besides, I am not dwelling on the past.)

In the next decade, I want to touch everyone around me with the love of Christ. I don’t want to live based on feelings. I want to live in truth, in love, in peace, and I want to live for everyone but myself. Doesn’t that sound funny? The whole message of the world is to make yourself happy; take care of number one, etc., etc. But that is SELF-love. I want to live full of love for others, for GOD!!

A line in that song is, “God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb; it’s getting better all the time.” It is, slowly but surely. I look impatiently to the future. When I am 28, what will I be doing? Where will I be? What kind of woman will this little girl have become? Will I be proud of myself and look back on the decade, that is now in front of me, and say, “Wow! God made that decade an amazingly beautiful journey! I wouldn’t change a thing!” Will I be married? What kind of man will he be? Wouldn’t it be funny if I know that man now, or even “knew” him and am not “friends” with him now, but later down the line, I married him? Who knows??? Only God, and He isn’t telling. All He is going to say now is, “I have the most perfect, happy, wonderful, marvelous life planned out for you. EVERY good desire of your heart WILL be fulfilled. But now, as you face out into the unknown, all I ask of you is that you trust me. Because this life in front of you is not a path strewn with roses. But every step you take, towards Me, towards life everlasting, I will be beside you. I will always hold your hand. And if the road gets especially rocky, you can climb into My arms, and I will carry you. Just trust me now. Just trust.”

A Beautiful Love Story

My aunt and uncle met, decades ago, and dated for three months. But sadly, they broke up because of huge differences and the fact that my aunt had a lot of growing still to do. They didn’t talk or see each other for four years. My uncle was in his late twenties and was tempted to feel a little desperate. His mother told him that he didn’t need to worry about finding his soul mate; God would simply bring her down their driveway and up to their front door.

One beautiful, sunny day, my aunt was driving around in Oregon City, and got lost. She turned onto a long driveway, in the hopes of finding someone to give her directions. She drove to the end of the road, and found a big yellow house. She went up to the door, knocked, and my uncle opened the door.

They married shortly after, and have been in their “honeymoon” stage for nearly three decades.

God separated them, but knew that they were perfect for each other and fantastically brought them back together, years later.

Just because you feel like you have lost a precious thing, doesn’t mean that God won’t give it back to you later down the line, IF that is what is best for you. Simply trust for the time being and know that “every good and perfect thing comes from the Father.” Knowing (and believing) this is what has helped me the most these past few weeks.

April 16, 2006

"Just For You," by me

When it feels
Like your world is crashing down around you,
Keep your eyes on Me.
I'll be your northern star.
I'll get you through the dark,

When you're lost,
I'll be the arrow
On the compass of your heart.

When you can't sleep,
Don't count sheep,
Think of Me, dream of Me,
And let everything else go.

When you tried and failed,
To make it on your own,
Give up the wheel,
And let Me take you home...

I feel sick.

I was sitting on my couch, watching "Sleepless in Seattle," and my little sister found a huge tick on my dog. EEWWW!! Those pictures in the science books are NOTHING like the real thing. I almost threw up. Fortunately, my little sister wants to be a nurse so she and my dad are going to pull it off right now. Originally we thought you were supposed to touch the tick with a hot match but we were wrong. Ew, I am grossing myself out.

Life is messy, confusing, amazing, beautiful thing when God is the Lord of it. And the past few weeks have been messy and confusing and yeah, amazing and beautiful sometimes too. Things are getting better each day though. You know the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks' character is asked what he does after his wife dies? He says he gets up everyday and reminds himself to keep breathing in and out and keep eating and keep...keep living. But as time goes by, he has to remind himself less and less often, but the pain is still there sometimes. Sometimes, he gives in to it and lets himself cry, but he picks himself up and keeps going. Such is life: messy, confusing, amazing and fantasticly beautiful, when God is in charge.

Happy Easter!! Christ died so we could live, and rose again so we can reign with Him.

April 13, 2006

Math is killing me softly...

I am trying to do my graded problem for math 111 right now. I can't believe how difficult the "average rate of change" can be. Whatever, I just want to quit. Can I???

I HATE MATH!! I need a math whiz and I need one NOW. Deep breath, deep breath. Okay, now I am hyperventilating to boot....

April 12, 2006

My Line of Work

I have changed careers DRASTICALLY. Actually, I went back to my old job. I used to work for my uncle and would spend every week at his ranch, before I changed to lifeguarding at the college pool. I lifeguarded and taught lessons for nine months before I quit, because God asked me to. He showed me that the place of growth for me, wouldn't be at the pool and suprisingly, I don't miss it. Of course, I miss the people, three in particular (two girls, and one guy,) but I don't miss lifeguarding or teaching.

Now I work for my uncle on Mondays and Wednesdays, roughly 13-15 hours a week. I am taking eight credit hours at the college, (two difficult classes,) so my week is pretty full. Oh yes, I was talking about my work.

Well, my basic job is building, assembling, and completing airplane wing ribs. They look sort of like snowshoes and when you line a whole bunch of them up on two spars (they are long boards extending from the fuselage of the airplane) it forms the wing. We don't have any orders for actual wings right now (just kits that people assemble into wings themselves) or I would help cover the wings in fabric. When it gets to that point, it really looks like a wing.

The funny part about covering the wing with fabric is we have to use toxic glue and it makes you kind of woozy, even if you are outside, it just does. So it is pretty funny to cover the wings with me (then I become a true comedian.)

Work is pretty cool cause I get along great with the other workers, I mean that isn't really important, but there is an old guy there, named Bill, and he is like a grandpa to me. Then there is Kevin who is always teasing me and vice versa. I think he is cool cause he calls me Sam (you know, from Dr. Seuss?)

Well, I overslept and I have school in a half hour. I never did get to my homework...oops! But it'll be okay. I didn't do it because I went to the gym and did a killer workout. My sister Harmony (the BUFF one) came too and she told me before we left she would kill me with her w/o. But I ended up showing her our dryland routine from swimming and she gave up halfway through. SO THERE!! Anyway-hello, summer abs!

April 11, 2006

Statement of Purpose?? Or not...

Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?

I don't know where that came from.

Anyways, I am currently in my second term at MHCC. I am only taking two classes and working part-time for my uncle in Oregon City, building airplane parts, etc. It is really monotonous but at the end of the day, I can look at all the progress that I made whereas, at my last job, I just came to work, sat in a chair for a couple hours (technically, I "saved" lives) and then left, with nothing to show but a caffiene high.

Oh, my reason for this blog? It is to practice creative writing. My other blog is considerably more serious and is more reflective of me and my deep thoughts, but I need to practice just writing, even when I don't have anything big to say. I guess I would feel I was corrupting my other blog if I started spouting ridiculous, or otherwise, things on it.

I guess you could call this blog an open letter. Sort of like those "Christmas updates" you get from people you never talk to. This is sort of like that but not really. Whatever, it can be whatever you want it to be. To me, it is good writing practice and...and a sort of "Christmas letter." Just letting you know what is going on with me in everyday life, the funny and the sad. Yes, that is what this blog is sort of for.