April 26, 2006

If this world were perfect....

If this world were perfect….

If this world were perfect, there would be no one-sided romances; everyone who fell in love, would have their love returned ten-fold.

If this world were perfect, your first, true love would be your last, because there would be no broken hearts, and the only end to your story would be “and they lived happily ever after.”

If this world were perfect, there would be no lovers’ quarrels, no divorces, no fatherless children; every marriage would last forever, a lifelong honeymoon. (There would be no marriage counselors, because every marriage would be magical.)

If this world were perfect, there wouldn’t be any days in life when the sun doesn’t come out, and you feel alone, alone and friendless.

If this world were perfect, we would regret it.

Every single thing that feels hard to you today, is making you a better person. It is preparing you for that one person that you will spend your life with, laugh with, share your triumphs with, and cry with. Every single thing that you don’t want to face was put there to help you to grow.

God won’t make a mountain we can’t climb. He won’t ask us to carry a load we can’t lift. So the next time you find yourself wishing for a perfect world, remember that though the thorns sting for but a little while, the rose is worth the struggle.

“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”- Charles A. Beard

Is a title required to make a post complete?

Today was fantastic, as my friend says, legendarily divine. I met some of my family at my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing boat, and we took it for a sail down the Columbia (or was it up?) to its new home in Camas, Washington. It was about a three-hour cruise and the weather, although not sunny, was not too cold or windy and was not wet so it was nice. I didn't have to look at a school book all day and I ate many cookies. However, I did not eat enough cookies to feel guilty now, just enough to feel like I indulged to the point of satisfaction. It is a terrible thing to stint yourself windmill-shaped cookies when you want them. Everything in moderation, I say.

I have re-read my previous post, and I have learned things about the female mind that I sort of "knew" but not terribly well. I mean, I too am confused about all the ins and outs. Why don't we come with user's manuals? That would make things so much simpler...

On a plus, I have been very, very poetic for the past week. I have written at least one good and three "okay" poems every day. However, the good poems are always very, shall we say, revealing about the state of my heart and I am not sure I am at the point where I can share it. Perhaps if you were to ask really nicely, I would let you read one of them, but don't get your hopes up. Remember my christening post, "Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?" (Hmm, I really like those lines, perhaps I should use my own creativity in another form, since that post has long since been discarded into the never-opened archives...)

Tomorrow I return to the life of your average college student, you know the type, the ones who don't work on airplanes and take entire days to ride around on huge boats. Friday, I have a mid-term in math. My teacher says he expects it to be an eye-opener and we will all fail or at least come close. (Isn't he, "Mr. Optimistic??") Perhaps I should study...

So for now, adieu, my faithful readers!

April 25, 2006

A Promised Expose of the Female Mind: As Understood By Author/ Operator

I am a female, but that does not give me any deep insights to the female mind since I am still understanding why it has to work the way it does.

Female brains tend to overfocus. I suppose you could say the average girl (I am using myself as an example, remember) will overprocess, and overthink everything that is said to her if it is of any value, emotionally especially. If a guy told me he thought I was pretty, I would probably spend a good deal of time wondering what his real motive, etc., was, even though he probably meant just, and only, what he said.

It has been said to me that guys are very straightforward. Females are much less so. We will spend hours, possibly even days, thinking about the right way to say something if it is something that could have a huge impact, such as admitting deeper feelings than friendship, or breaking off a relationship. Even worse, after we say it, we will re-analyze it and then beat ourselves up if we discover a way we could have said it better. This is why, unless you are dealing with a terribly heartless female, you will receive an email saying something important, and then another email clarifying or specifying what she said in the first, perhaps even apologizing. We always want to find the best, least hurtful way to say everything, and not that many things are simply "off the cuff."

Before I continue, I want to specify that these are general guidelines, and perhaps only to a specific type of female. There are exceptions to every rule and there are females that are very selfish, cruel, and mean. Do not, I repeat, do not give up heart if you come across one of these females; they do not represent the majority of women. At least, I should hope not.
Now let's talk about day to day life. A female will wake up in the morning and her first practical thoughts are just that, practical. She is going to think about what she will eat for breakfast, perhaps even dinner and what she is going to wear and what things she will occupy herself with throughout the day. Sometimes she gets really unpractical and starts planning about what to do if she sees "him" or what she'll say to so-and-so, etc.
Now comes the topic of clothing and appearance. Females tend to overfocus on clothes. We are sort of protective of our styles. If we don't ask for criticism, don't offer it, and better yet, don't give criticism even when asked, unless the female in question is a relative, and even then you are treading on slippery ground. However, we do desperately need and appreciate compliments. Because whether it looks like it or not, the average female makes a sincere effort to make herself look good for the male population and it is always nice when they show their appreciation.
Another thing, I would stay away from the dreaded "weight" topic entirely. Sometimes, there are exceptions though, and you may ALWAYS tell a female that she looks great, very slim, or something general like that. But be careful not to imply that she needed to lose weight. I think that a really nice guy (J.L.) I know handled a tough situtation that I, unthinkingly, placed him in. We were lifeguarding together a couple months ago and for some bizarre reason I asked him if it looked like I had lost weight because I had been trying. He said, "I didn't notice because I always thought you looked wonderful." Or something like that. THAT is a perfect example of male-manuevering out of a sticky situation. Fortunately, not all females are as blunder-headed as me and won't put you there but if you ever find yourself in such a spot, PANIC. No, I am just kidding....
I feel so superficial writing about my sex in such a way, but I think while I have all these traits, I am not your average "pretty girl." I am rough and tumble, sort of, so it is a little easier for guys to be around me, or so I have been told.
This is my first forray into the recesses of the female mind which I do not pretend to fully understand myself. I feel so sorry for you men, and promise to be as undifficult as possible in every situation in the future, now that I have written and therefore, better seen what you have to deal with on a day-to-day basis.

April 24, 2006

A Gentle Laughter Ringing in My Ears

That title has nothing to do with this post. I just liked the way it sounds when I say it out loud. Am I being ridiculous and silly? Probably so. But I am tired, so give me a teeny-tiny break. Why am I tired, since I continue to procrastinate till the last minute with all my homework??

Yesterday, we went biking on the Springwater Trail. This is a nice, flat, concrete trail that is miles and miles long. We, my family and my best friend, biked 12 miles. No, that wouldn't make me tired. What made me tired is my best friend used my bike and I had to scooter. You remember the type, those scooters that were immensely popular 2 or 3 years ago? Anyway, I scootered for 11 MILES. Hahaha! I feel so powerful and yet, so incredibly sore.

But that is just me babbling again. Once again, I don't feel brilliant. Isn't that the way things go? I come up with a brilliant post, a silly post, a brilliant post, a silly post, and so on and so forth. Today I go to work. As my friend Scribbley says, people are putting their lives into my hands today. Now isn't that a scary thought!!!?? Anyone who knows me from the pool would be a little concerned, but really, I am quite capable!! I need to go take a shower, perhaps that and this steaming cup of coffee will wake me up....

Stay tuned for an expose of the female's brain processes. At least as much as I can understand of the female's brain processes, which isn't much! (How DO you guys handle us????)

April 22, 2006

Something to think about...

Face it- I am a hopeless romantic. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that though, but sometimes it is annoying, to myself. I just finished that Indian movie, “Dil to Pagal Hai.” It made me so, I don’t know, excited and romantic as well as expectant. I can’t wait to be in love. I can’t wait till I feel this way:

“When he looks at me, I feel beautiful. When he laughs, I feel like dancing. When he loves me, my eyes fill with tears. He has made me realize that he is made for me, and I for him.”

But for now, until God sees fit to give me that, I will work on my relationship with the Lord and with my family. I need to feel that way about the Lord and develop a more personal relationship with Him. I want to, too. He has done so much for me; He is deserving of everything I could give Him, He is deserving of all of me.

All my life, people have been telling me they loved me. My parents told me. My family told me. Friends told me. Guys told me. But, it doesn’t matter what they tell me. What matters is what they do. My dad left us, my mom and all six of us kids. My big brother left us too. My friends have rejected me for the truth that God has given me to give them. Most of those guys wanted me to hold back a crucial, if not the most crucial, part of me, my faith in God, in order to have a relationship with them. If these people truly loved me, their actions would have been in my best interest. But they weren’t. All their actions were in their best interest. They did what felt good.

Other people have told me they loved me, and truly shown it. My mom gave up her marriage so that we children would be safe from an immature father, who was emotionally abusive. My best friend Becki will tell me the truth, that I need to hear, instead of holding back out of fear of my getting offended. Most of all, God has told me He loves me and has proven it in every action He has ever taken towards me, every single one.

So love is not what you say, it is what you do. I want to prove my love for God with my actions. I want to prove my love for my family with the way I relate to them. And when I meet the man I am going to marry, I want to prove my love to him through what I do, not only through what I say.

April 21, 2006

It is about time.

I had a whole page written about relationships. It was actually witty and made sense but I erased the whole thing. I don't know who is reading this blog and I guess I don't want to take the chance on revealing some, um, information.

So I will complete this post with meaningless drivel. If you must, you can try to read in between the lines and get something magnificent out of it, but it would be a waste of your time. I am hopelessly unclever, unfunny, and un"magnificent" this morning. Sorry to disappoint you.

I got new glasses yesterday, glasses that actually make me want to forgoe contacts. The first time my mom saw them she said, "They make you look SMART." As opposed to what, Mom?? Other than the new and improved "smart" factor, my new glasses are nearly invisible, which is their biggest attraction to me. I like nearly invisible.

Speaking of invisible, do you ever wish you could turn invisible for a while and listen in on conversations you were never supposed to hear? I do, sometimes. I also wish I could fly, no, not in an airplane, just fly, like a falcon, or a golden eagle.

I wish I could blame my current state of mind of sleep depravation again but I can't. I went to bed early last night and slept in this morning. I think I am just in one of my "wierd" moods. There are two Russians sitting at the table across from mine. They are babbling on in Russian and staring off into space. The guy looks like he'd rather be anywhere but sitting next to the girl who won't stop talking and looks like a skinny bumblebee because her shirt is BRIGHT yellow. Are you shocked? That wasn't very nice of me. Allow me to try again. She looks like a sunflower.

I need to go get food, or coffee or something. I just need to get out of the library at the college and off the campus. Maybe I should fly somewhere, like New York or England. Okay, now I am scaring myself with my wierdness....

April 20, 2006

I wrote this last night.

I am so tired but there is no way I can get to sleep. My mind is running circles around in my head. My sister has a cold and she is snoring SO loudly. It is dark in my room, but if I turn the light over my bed on, she will wake up and she will NOT be happy, forgetting the fact that she has kept me up for the past half hour! So I choose not to incur her wrath, and so I write this by the light of a dimly shining flashlight, on the old-fashioned method of paper and pen.

I just watched half of a movie from India called, "Dil to Pagal Hai." It means "The Heart is Mad." The whole motto of this movie is "Someone, somewhere was made for you." It made me feel SO romantic, as actually, all Indian movies do.

I do not believe in coincidences. I think that everything, I repeat, everything happens for a reason. Only God can know the end result of everything that happens and we humans are simply along for the ride. A lot of things have happened in my 18 years that are too "random" and have had such varied, wonderful results to let me believe they simply...happened. Like the time that I ran across the street without looking for cars (when I was 6?) and hit a truck coming down the hill. I mean hit, because I smacked the rear of the truck with my wrist and the car NEVER crossed in front of me. Oh wait, that is a miracle. I can't think straight right now because I am so tired and my sister continues to snore, ask me sometime about all these random things and I will tell you...

But anyway, I believe that someday, I will meet the most perfect match for me that could ever be. Just like in that movie, the guy and the girl spend their whole lives on opposite sides of the same city annd never meet. Then one day, they cross pathes and their lives are COMPLETELY changed, forever.

I am not making any sense, am I? Oh well, practice your reading comprehension skills. I MUST go to bed, my day starts an hour earlier tomorrow....Goodnight.

April 19, 2006

Contemplating adulthood on my 18th birthday.

This picture is, hmm, five months old??

Sometimes, I am SUCH a show-off... :)

But only sometimes. Have I mentioned that I love to snowboard? No, I am not "one of THOSE girls." You know the type, the ones that buy the designer outfit and stand around looking pretty and making cow eyes at the guys. I just like strapping a narrow, flimsy board to my feet and careening down a mountainside at 20-something (or is it more?) miles per hour. Hahaha! To answer your question, yes, I am doing better today.

Anyway, no, I didn't go snowboarding today. I was working on my uncle's retired, 80-foot long fishing vessel today. He is turning it into a research vessel, slowly but surely. He has grandiose schemes of being able to put his little float plane (a Piper Cub) on the back of the boat and sailing around the world, or at least the Pacific Northwest. :) So how was I showing off, you may ask?

Well, our specific reason for being on the boat today was unloading huge barrels, full of bilge water (oily water), that weighed 400-500 lbs. EACH! We had to get them on the little barrel frame thingy, then use a pulley system (that was SO not automated) to get them up over the side of the boat and down onto a little cart. Then, I steered the cart, with a few people pushing it, to the truck. (I am really bad at distance so I have no idea how far away it was, but it took about 5 minutes because we were on a dock the whole time.) Just before the truck, we had to take this massive barrel up a long steep ramp and yes, I was still pulling, looking tough, showing off my "gym" muscles. Hahaha! Okay, enough, you don't care about the whole barrel thing or how "buff" I am.

Here is something interesting. I am REALLY sunburnt. I don't know what the weather is like somewhere else in the country, say in Tennessee, but it was HOT in Oregon today.

On a more interesting topic....um, I can't think of anything. Maybe now isn't the best time to blog because I have nothing to say. On the bright side, at least I am not feeling mournful enough to write another sad, depressing poem. I have been writing a LOT of those lately and a few of them are on this site. So, you know who you are, leave me a comment on those poems PUHLEEZE because I wrote them for/about ( etc.) you.

As I look over this post, it seems so immature. Not at all on the same level as my usual posts. Oh well, in everyone's life there are times to just be happy and sort of silly. There are also times for tears, I have had a lot of those lately so it is about time for a happy day...

April 18, 2006

It gets a little better in the end.

I never look forward to night anymore. It used to be my favorite time of day because the world seemed asleep, and so peaceful. My family is all in bed, except my sister, who works a graveyard security shift.

But now, I hate the night, just like I hate mornings. The best time of day is lunchtime and early afternoon. The only good thing about the night is that the day is almost over. But still! Night is when you have to lie in bed and just think. I am not one of those people who have found magical switches in their brain and can just stop thinking as soon as the lights go out. Well, I used to be, but not since I started to take on adult responsibilities and an adult mindset.

The worst thing about night is that I become irrational. Things that I can face under the shining light of the sun become overwhelming and despairingly depressive when I turn out the rice paper lantern over my bed, and lay my head on my soft pillow. It has gotten to the point where I am not getting to sleep till one or two in the morning and then have to wake up before 7 am.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I am feeling guilty now for having complained so much. Compared to the rest of the world, I have very few problems. People are dying right this very minute. A child just found out that their mother will never come back from the store because a drunk driver hit and killed her, and that child will have to live without a mother's love and comforting presence. A woman, in the depths of despair, aborted her child, and for the next decades of her life, will regret her decision. Someone, somewhere, found out that, "No, you will never regain use of your legs." Someone was just told they have no more than a couple weeks to live. Someone just found out that the love of their life was killed and will never come back to them, so they could kiss them passionatiely, and hold them and quietly absorb and share their love.

And me, all I have to worry about is a few bills that I can't really afford to pay, a relationship that I wish hadn't had to end, and mild sleep depravation. Yes, I have it good compared to the rest of the world...

April 17, 2006

A Little Bit of Me

As I look back over this past decade, I wish I could rewind time, and do it all over again. I would change so much, and yet, I know this doesn’t make sense, I would change so little. I would have wanted to meet all the people I have met, been in almost all the “guy-girl” relationships I have, and experienced almost everything I have.

I remember being 8. I had a short pixie cut, wore dresses only when forced, and loved running around with the boys. I prided myself on not crying when I got hurt. I thought blood was cool and scars were the mark of an adventurer, of someone who took the road less traveled. I was more of a monkey than a little girl. I loved trees and the forest. I loved dirt and everything about dirt, especially making mud pies and mud balls. I loved taking risks, like chasing horses (which got my cheekbone shattered into dozens of pieces). I loved bugs, especially worms. I was a little tomboy. What happened to my 8-year old self???

I remember being 15. When I was 15, I was mostly the “pretty” girl, who screamed if she saw a spider, and liked wearing lip gloss and dressing up. I always wanted to be older. Sometimes my 8-year old self slipped out and I would wrestle with my sister and guy cousins, and get dirty. But, I overly cared about what other people thought, and that showed in my inhibitions.

Now I am 18, and I am finding a new self. I care less about what other people think and I like bugs again, except spiders but I never scream, unless one is actually on me. I care about improving myself spiritually and mentally. My biggest desire is no longer to find the “perfect” man but to make God happy with me, as He is as I love and obey Him.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I see the truth in this. If I could do it again, I would truly love more, forgive more, give more of myself to others, get away from the mirror and go outside more.

I have been listening to a song called, “It’s Getting Better All the Time.” I just got through one of the best and worst school terms in my entire life. It is bizarre to think that any experience can be both the best and the worst but last term was just that. If I could live it over, I would have thought more about the other person and less about my own feelings, I would have shared God’s love with everyone I met, and I would have been grateful for every day and every experience and learned from them, instead of doing the same thing over and over and making the same mistakes.

Why dwell in the past? Because through learning lessons from our past, we improve our future. (Besides, I am not dwelling on the past.)

In the next decade, I want to touch everyone around me with the love of Christ. I don’t want to live based on feelings. I want to live in truth, in love, in peace, and I want to live for everyone but myself. Doesn’t that sound funny? The whole message of the world is to make yourself happy; take care of number one, etc., etc. But that is SELF-love. I want to live full of love for others, for GOD!!

A line in that song is, “God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb; it’s getting better all the time.” It is, slowly but surely. I look impatiently to the future. When I am 28, what will I be doing? Where will I be? What kind of woman will this little girl have become? Will I be proud of myself and look back on the decade, that is now in front of me, and say, “Wow! God made that decade an amazingly beautiful journey! I wouldn’t change a thing!” Will I be married? What kind of man will he be? Wouldn’t it be funny if I know that man now, or even “knew” him and am not “friends” with him now, but later down the line, I married him? Who knows??? Only God, and He isn’t telling. All He is going to say now is, “I have the most perfect, happy, wonderful, marvelous life planned out for you. EVERY good desire of your heart WILL be fulfilled. But now, as you face out into the unknown, all I ask of you is that you trust me. Because this life in front of you is not a path strewn with roses. But every step you take, towards Me, towards life everlasting, I will be beside you. I will always hold your hand. And if the road gets especially rocky, you can climb into My arms, and I will carry you. Just trust me now. Just trust.”

A Beautiful Love Story

My aunt and uncle met, decades ago, and dated for three months. But sadly, they broke up because of huge differences and the fact that my aunt had a lot of growing still to do. They didn’t talk or see each other for four years. My uncle was in his late twenties and was tempted to feel a little desperate. His mother told him that he didn’t need to worry about finding his soul mate; God would simply bring her down their driveway and up to their front door.

One beautiful, sunny day, my aunt was driving around in Oregon City, and got lost. She turned onto a long driveway, in the hopes of finding someone to give her directions. She drove to the end of the road, and found a big yellow house. She went up to the door, knocked, and my uncle opened the door.

They married shortly after, and have been in their “honeymoon” stage for nearly three decades.

God separated them, but knew that they were perfect for each other and fantastically brought them back together, years later.

Just because you feel like you have lost a precious thing, doesn’t mean that God won’t give it back to you later down the line, IF that is what is best for you. Simply trust for the time being and know that “every good and perfect thing comes from the Father.” Knowing (and believing) this is what has helped me the most these past few weeks.

April 16, 2006

"Just For You," by me

When it feels
Like your world is crashing down around you,
Keep your eyes on Me.
I'll be your northern star.
I'll get you through the dark,

When you're lost,
I'll be the arrow
On the compass of your heart.

When you can't sleep,
Don't count sheep,
Think of Me, dream of Me,
And let everything else go.

When you tried and failed,
To make it on your own,
Give up the wheel,
And let Me take you home...

I feel sick.

I was sitting on my couch, watching "Sleepless in Seattle," and my little sister found a huge tick on my dog. EEWWW!! Those pictures in the science books are NOTHING like the real thing. I almost threw up. Fortunately, my little sister wants to be a nurse so she and my dad are going to pull it off right now. Originally we thought you were supposed to touch the tick with a hot match but we were wrong. Ew, I am grossing myself out.

Life is messy, confusing, amazing, beautiful thing when God is the Lord of it. And the past few weeks have been messy and confusing and yeah, amazing and beautiful sometimes too. Things are getting better each day though. You know the movie "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks' character is asked what he does after his wife dies? He says he gets up everyday and reminds himself to keep breathing in and out and keep eating and keep...keep living. But as time goes by, he has to remind himself less and less often, but the pain is still there sometimes. Sometimes, he gives in to it and lets himself cry, but he picks himself up and keeps going. Such is life: messy, confusing, amazing and fantasticly beautiful, when God is in charge.

Happy Easter!! Christ died so we could live, and rose again so we can reign with Him.

April 13, 2006

Math is killing me softly...

I am trying to do my graded problem for math 111 right now. I can't believe how difficult the "average rate of change" can be. Whatever, I just want to quit. Can I???

I HATE MATH!! I need a math whiz and I need one NOW. Deep breath, deep breath. Okay, now I am hyperventilating to boot....

April 12, 2006

My Line of Work

I have changed careers DRASTICALLY. Actually, I went back to my old job. I used to work for my uncle and would spend every week at his ranch, before I changed to lifeguarding at the college pool. I lifeguarded and taught lessons for nine months before I quit, because God asked me to. He showed me that the place of growth for me, wouldn't be at the pool and suprisingly, I don't miss it. Of course, I miss the people, three in particular (two girls, and one guy,) but I don't miss lifeguarding or teaching.

Now I work for my uncle on Mondays and Wednesdays, roughly 13-15 hours a week. I am taking eight credit hours at the college, (two difficult classes,) so my week is pretty full. Oh yes, I was talking about my work.

Well, my basic job is building, assembling, and completing airplane wing ribs. They look sort of like snowshoes and when you line a whole bunch of them up on two spars (they are long boards extending from the fuselage of the airplane) it forms the wing. We don't have any orders for actual wings right now (just kits that people assemble into wings themselves) or I would help cover the wings in fabric. When it gets to that point, it really looks like a wing.

The funny part about covering the wing with fabric is we have to use toxic glue and it makes you kind of woozy, even if you are outside, it just does. So it is pretty funny to cover the wings with me (then I become a true comedian.)

Work is pretty cool cause I get along great with the other workers, I mean that isn't really important, but there is an old guy there, named Bill, and he is like a grandpa to me. Then there is Kevin who is always teasing me and vice versa. I think he is cool cause he calls me Sam (you know, from Dr. Seuss?)

Well, I overslept and I have school in a half hour. I never did get to my homework...oops! But it'll be okay. I didn't do it because I went to the gym and did a killer workout. My sister Harmony (the BUFF one) came too and she told me before we left she would kill me with her w/o. But I ended up showing her our dryland routine from swimming and she gave up halfway through. SO THERE!! Anyway-hello, summer abs!

April 11, 2006

Statement of Purpose?? Or not...

Shall I bare myself to the ridicule of the masses? To the hysteria of a secret love? Shall I open my heart, to have it broken while I gaze on in grief?

I don't know where that came from.

Anyways, I am currently in my second term at MHCC. I am only taking two classes and working part-time for my uncle in Oregon City, building airplane parts, etc. It is really monotonous but at the end of the day, I can look at all the progress that I made whereas, at my last job, I just came to work, sat in a chair for a couple hours (technically, I "saved" lives) and then left, with nothing to show but a caffiene high.

Oh, my reason for this blog? It is to practice creative writing. My other blog is considerably more serious and is more reflective of me and my deep thoughts, but I need to practice just writing, even when I don't have anything big to say. I guess I would feel I was corrupting my other blog if I started spouting ridiculous, or otherwise, things on it.

I guess you could call this blog an open letter. Sort of like those "Christmas updates" you get from people you never talk to. This is sort of like that but not really. Whatever, it can be whatever you want it to be. To me, it is good writing practice and...and a sort of "Christmas letter." Just letting you know what is going on with me in everyday life, the funny and the sad. Yes, that is what this blog is sort of for.