April 17, 2006

A Little Bit of Me

As I look back over this past decade, I wish I could rewind time, and do it all over again. I would change so much, and yet, I know this doesn’t make sense, I would change so little. I would have wanted to meet all the people I have met, been in almost all the “guy-girl” relationships I have, and experienced almost everything I have.

I remember being 8. I had a short pixie cut, wore dresses only when forced, and loved running around with the boys. I prided myself on not crying when I got hurt. I thought blood was cool and scars were the mark of an adventurer, of someone who took the road less traveled. I was more of a monkey than a little girl. I loved trees and the forest. I loved dirt and everything about dirt, especially making mud pies and mud balls. I loved taking risks, like chasing horses (which got my cheekbone shattered into dozens of pieces). I loved bugs, especially worms. I was a little tomboy. What happened to my 8-year old self???

I remember being 15. When I was 15, I was mostly the “pretty” girl, who screamed if she saw a spider, and liked wearing lip gloss and dressing up. I always wanted to be older. Sometimes my 8-year old self slipped out and I would wrestle with my sister and guy cousins, and get dirty. But, I overly cared about what other people thought, and that showed in my inhibitions.

Now I am 18, and I am finding a new self. I care less about what other people think and I like bugs again, except spiders but I never scream, unless one is actually on me. I care about improving myself spiritually and mentally. My biggest desire is no longer to find the “perfect” man but to make God happy with me, as He is as I love and obey Him.

They say hindsight is 20/20, and I see the truth in this. If I could do it again, I would truly love more, forgive more, give more of myself to others, get away from the mirror and go outside more.

I have been listening to a song called, “It’s Getting Better All the Time.” I just got through one of the best and worst school terms in my entire life. It is bizarre to think that any experience can be both the best and the worst but last term was just that. If I could live it over, I would have thought more about the other person and less about my own feelings, I would have shared God’s love with everyone I met, and I would have been grateful for every day and every experience and learned from them, instead of doing the same thing over and over and making the same mistakes.

Why dwell in the past? Because through learning lessons from our past, we improve our future. (Besides, I am not dwelling on the past.)

In the next decade, I want to touch everyone around me with the love of Christ. I don’t want to live based on feelings. I want to live in truth, in love, in peace, and I want to live for everyone but myself. Doesn’t that sound funny? The whole message of the world is to make yourself happy; take care of number one, etc., etc. But that is SELF-love. I want to live full of love for others, for GOD!!

A line in that song is, “God won’t make a mountain I can’t climb; it’s getting better all the time.” It is, slowly but surely. I look impatiently to the future. When I am 28, what will I be doing? Where will I be? What kind of woman will this little girl have become? Will I be proud of myself and look back on the decade, that is now in front of me, and say, “Wow! God made that decade an amazingly beautiful journey! I wouldn’t change a thing!” Will I be married? What kind of man will he be? Wouldn’t it be funny if I know that man now, or even “knew” him and am not “friends” with him now, but later down the line, I married him? Who knows??? Only God, and He isn’t telling. All He is going to say now is, “I have the most perfect, happy, wonderful, marvelous life planned out for you. EVERY good desire of your heart WILL be fulfilled. But now, as you face out into the unknown, all I ask of you is that you trust me. Because this life in front of you is not a path strewn with roses. But every step you take, towards Me, towards life everlasting, I will be beside you. I will always hold your hand. And if the road gets especially rocky, you can climb into My arms, and I will carry you. Just trust me now. Just trust.”


Scribbley said...

This reminds me of something I wrote in high school freshman English that no one in my class much cared for, including the teacher.

You are who you are from birth until puberty. You spend the rest of your life trying to get your self back from what the world told you you were.

This is quite rude and presumptuous to say I suppose, but it seems that something happened to you in the last few years that led to a rapid maturing. Much more than I have attained in 21 years, especially from a spiritual standpoint. Or maybe you are just a very mature person.

Scribbley said...
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