April 18, 2006

It gets a little better in the end.

I never look forward to night anymore. It used to be my favorite time of day because the world seemed asleep, and so peaceful. My family is all in bed, except my sister, who works a graveyard security shift.

But now, I hate the night, just like I hate mornings. The best time of day is lunchtime and early afternoon. The only good thing about the night is that the day is almost over. But still! Night is when you have to lie in bed and just think. I am not one of those people who have found magical switches in their brain and can just stop thinking as soon as the lights go out. Well, I used to be, but not since I started to take on adult responsibilities and an adult mindset.

The worst thing about night is that I become irrational. Things that I can face under the shining light of the sun become overwhelming and despairingly depressive when I turn out the rice paper lantern over my bed, and lay my head on my soft pillow. It has gotten to the point where I am not getting to sleep till one or two in the morning and then have to wake up before 7 am.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I am feeling guilty now for having complained so much. Compared to the rest of the world, I have very few problems. People are dying right this very minute. A child just found out that their mother will never come back from the store because a drunk driver hit and killed her, and that child will have to live without a mother's love and comforting presence. A woman, in the depths of despair, aborted her child, and for the next decades of her life, will regret her decision. Someone, somewhere, found out that, "No, you will never regain use of your legs." Someone was just told they have no more than a couple weeks to live. Someone just found out that the love of their life was killed and will never come back to them, so they could kiss them passionatiely, and hold them and quietly absorb and share their love.

And me, all I have to worry about is a few bills that I can't really afford to pay, a relationship that I wish hadn't had to end, and mild sleep depravation. Yes, I have it good compared to the rest of the world...

1 comment:

Scribbley said...

I myself have many bills and worries. I came out of high school expecting scholarships to be thrown at me, as I was an exceptional student. Instead, I have spent the last four years working 25-30 hours a week during school and full time on breaks to pay for what students 1 (!) year after me all get for free because of the cursed lottery scholarship. Gambling and education, together at last... I digress. Despite your problems seeming miniscule compared to other peoples in the world, you have to remember that these are the only problems you got to work with so you'll just have to settle for them despite their comparitive wimpyness. It comes down to the fact that you can only do the best you can, and worrying won't change anything. It will work out some how because it has to...
I am working on getting some pictures up of me. I am one of those people who are a bit camera-shy, so there are not a whole lot of them floating around. I believe my sister snapped a few of me wrestling with Poohjah Saturday, next time I see her I will get a copy of it. By the by, I really appreciate your commentary and support as well...!