"Ethereal and Alone"

A trail of a single set of footprints
Winding down the shore
Following the lacy borders
Of the salty sea,
For miles and miles it goes.

Finally a foggy figure like a fairy
Appears in the near distance,
Brown hair blowing wildly in the wind,
Face turned to the sea
And the hidden sun.

The lone elfin shape pauses
Staring into the crashing surf.
There's something there,
Something reckless,
And magnificently wild.
A being from a dream,
A mermaid.

The fairy and mermaid stare at each other
Locked in an trance,
Magic seems to have settled on the sands,
Time has stopped
Afraid to tick on
For fear of losing a physical fantasy.

They seem to be frozen,
Unmoving, silent.
But tears are falling from both the maids'
Aqua eyes.
Both alone, solitary in their lonely traversing
The face of this harsh earth.
The mermaid endowed with fins
And imprisoned in the lonely sea.
The fairy cursed with a true love
Given away and never given back.

---------------------------------------------------

I am super-critical and do not like most of this poem, mostly the ending. But I wrote it and don't want it to just sit there forever. Please note, that while the fairy, in the past, has been a symbol of me, it isn't now. I am quite happy and blessed. But if you have experienced heartbreak and sadness, you receive the right to express it, whenever you wish. I think...

Hmmm...

(I am stealing again. I saw this quote somewhere and LOVED it. But I don't remember the person who wrote it. If anyone knows the author, please let me know.)

"The depth of one's belief determines the intensity of one's motivation."

This is SO true. I have met quite a few people (no one in particular-ahem!) who have commented on my (growing) passion for the Lord and wished they could have the same. Well if you truly believe in the Lord and that He is who says He is, you will have the same passion and beyond.

Okay, that didn't make any sense. But hopefully y'all got the gist of it...

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

"Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for
Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live."

I LOVE those lyrics. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time about called, "Broken Boxes." But this song has meaning to me because I experience and do all the things mentioned in the song on a daily basis, especially the "falling on Jesus" part. It helped me, maybe it will help you. Goodnight, I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night so I'll play "catch-up" now.

*Yawn*

I shouldn't be awake, but I couldn't sleep. So I am here, doing nothing.

"My Secret"

No one else knows my secret,
But I'll tell you.
I may look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up,
All the thing we wanted
To become when we were ten years old.

But inside, I am still a scared little girl
When the lights go out
And I am alone with my nightmares,
My fears and
My softly falling tears.

But I still look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up.
So I can't run to Mom,
Throw open her bedroom door,
And climb under her covers.
So I lie in my bed
And wait for the sun to
Peep over my window sill.

But I do not wait alone.
Jesus knows my secret.
He knows I am a baby lamb in sheep's clothing,
And I need the comforting presence
Of my Shepherd.

So He comes to me.
And when my flesh and heart fail me,
He catches me as I fall.
When my anxious thoughts overwhlem me,
His consolations give me rest.

I am still a little lamb in sheep's clothing,
But my good Shepherd watches over me
By night and by day.
And any troubles that assail me in the night
Cannot overcome the power of my Shepherd's might.
And now YOU know my secret...

"For He gives to His beloved even in her sleep."-Psalm 127:2

"They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:13

Almost tomorrow...

"I WEAR YOUR LOVE"
Written by Gary Burr, Performed by Kathy Mattea

The things I've collected, bought or selected
The clutter that fills up my room,
I can lock up and leave it, never retrieve it.
Leave nothing but my love for you.
Let the storm winds blow, I will not be cold.

I wear your love
Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down
I wear your love
like a bright suit of armor reflecting the sun
On the chilliest night though I travel light
It is always enough for I wear your love.

You watched without knowing where I was going
Trusting the vision I'd found
For if dreams were a fire, I had desire
That could burn this old house to the ground.
So I walk quite free, for surrounding me

I wear your love
ike a scarf that I borrowed that still holds your perfume.
I wear your love
pulled tight as I'm sleeping under a cold lovers's moon.
On the chilliest night though I travel light.
It is always enough for I wear your love.

Don't you know, can't you see
Head to toe it is covering me
Like a stone, the oceans's tide
Nothing can hurt me or turn me aside.
For I wear your love

Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down.
I wear your love
Like a badge of devotion of love and be-yond.
On the chilliest night though I travel light,
It is always enough for I wear your love.
It is always enough for I wear your love."

I wear Jesus' love on my heart
And in every area of my life.
I would a walking dead person without Him
Because life would be so empty and death would be so near.
I wear Jesus' love on my heart...

(By the way, I am copying again (italics and graphics only.) A blogger friend of mine put the perfect song and graphic together and it was SUCH a blessing to me that I am extending it to my readers to be a blessing to them, I don't think she'll mind. (http://thebluebirdofhappinesscomestotea.blogspot.com/)

I am a Peach.

"In many ways, I like to model myself and aspire to the cherry's example. The cherry is boldly colored, its juice staining anything. The cherry isn't afraid to stand out. And yet it is sweet and kind to all who bother to come into contact with it. It's also nutritious. I too strive to be nutritious. At the core of the cherry, it is solid, rock-hard. It cannot be easily destroyed or broken. I strive to have my own cherry pit, at my center."-Scribbley, author of Giraffe Racing and Other Musings (http://girafferacing.blogspot.com)

Until I read that post, I never really thought about the cherry or the peach for that matter. But it is true that we humans should be like them, for the most part. The stone in the center is like our souls that should be unshakeable in our faith, BUT soft and open to the Lord's correction through His Holy Spirit and true believers in Him. And our outsides, what the world sees, should be sweet yet with the tart reality of the whole truth lacing the entire bundle. So maybe Scrib said it all better, I AM stealing his idea afterall, but tomorrow I will be like the cherry. (Or the peach because it has a slightly thicker skin which is necessary in this cutthroat and harsh world we live in.)

That didn't make sense. But it did to me. Thanks, Scrib.

Life's a crazy tornado, and I am stuck in its funnel!!!

I think that is one of my best titles ever, eh?

Life IS like a tornado right now. At least I am getting more sleep at night. All last week I was having horrible nightmares so I was more tired when I woke up than when I went to sleep the night before. But that seems to have passed and I can sleep for 6 hours. (Thank You, Lord!)

I stopped by my old job today to pick up my sister. I am SO glad I do not work there anymore--it is such an immature environment. Besides, who ever got buff sitting on a guard stand? Yesterday, for my day's work on the ranch, we bucked hay bales (roughly 40-50 lbs. each)- a total of 328 to be precise, and I handled ever single one since I was stacking and unstacking. I LOVE bucking hay, even though you get super hot and sticky. There's just something about raw physical work and feeling sore (in a good way) afterwards that I just love.

Anyway, sorry this post sounded like a middle-schooler on her second triple-shot cappucino. I have been so mature for my past dozen posts that I wanted to let my hair down (WHICH by the way has been cut and colored for about the 10th time this year. I'll get a picture up STAT.)

Just a sentence...

I started a photo blog. (http://photodiaryofasinglestudent.blogspot.com)

"Jesus Loves Me!"

I slide down to sit on the cold bathroom floor,

My back against the abruptly slammed door.

This has become my regular haunt.

Always weeping, I come.

I failed again, I say to myself,

And clench my fists so tight

My nails leave red crescent moons on my palms.

This time, like all the others,

It was my quick tongue

And rapid-fire temper

(that quickly goes and leaves remorse)

That brought me to this dark room

Alone, with teary mascara-stained cheeks.

I am so tired.

My eyes are heavy, so heavy

With the weight of sleep

And yet unspilled tears,

On the brink of flooding over.

I am tired

Because this same thing happened last night

And I am tired

Because I see the futility of fixing this myself.

So I close my eyes,

Raise my hands

And start to sing

That soft lullaby

We know so well-

Jesus loves me

This I know

Because the Bible tells me so...

He loves me

Because I trust Him.

He loves me

Because I obey Him.

He loves me

Because He made me

And He knew my name

Even before my ancestors were born

And knew how many tears

Would ever drop from my eyes.

I love Him

Because He first loved me.

I love Him

Because without His love and comfort in my life,

What else is there to live for?

I can't spend the rest of my life

On the cold bathroom floor,

And I know I will continue to make mistakes.

But I also know,

As long as I continue to follow Him

Like a clumsy, little lamb,

Jesus loves me

This I know,

Because He tells me so...

(Okay, you can comment but don't criticize too harshly because this all happened last night. Actually, sure, go ahead and criticize. It doesn't change what my message is to myself, to God, and to you...)

Lost Poems Found

I have a bad habit I am completely willing to admit. During church, when I am not listening with rapt attention which is 85% of the time, I am writing poetry about what I am hearing. The result is over a dozen decent poems scattered around my notes. I finally went through and typed them all up. I took the more decent of them and am going to allow you to pick them to pieces with your criticisms. Hahaha! I suppose I shouldn't feel so protective of them, but I should figure out ways to make them better for which I need you. So be gentle.

Yes, I am in the midst of the fun kind of busy, at least everyday but today. I am home alone on grandmother-duty. Did I tell y'all she turned 90 on Sunday? Well, she is really slowing down and needs round-the-clock care, which I am willing to do. It is good practice for me since I HAVE to be cheerful and patient because I don't want to have to look back at her funeral and say, with tears, I could have been kinder. Besides, for the level of pain she is in 24/7, you would not believe how cheerful and patient she is with ME! I feel so blessed to have her with us.

Oh, right, the poems. Here they are, in random order:

"Perfection"

I’ve come to terms
With the truth:
My New Year’s resolution
Will never occur-
I will never be perfect.
The Bible says
Present yourself an
Unashamed workman.
Well I am ashamed of my handiwork.
I try and try
To avoid scarlet cheeks
And the constant parade
Of my foot to my mouth.
I wear rubber bans to remind me,
Tape to bind my mouth shut
But somehow, I always slip up.
Like today and the day before,
And the weekend before that,
I nearly ready to join a convent.

But hiding away from life’s little slips,
Means never showing God’s greatest gifts-
Forgiveness and love,
Mercy and peace.

When He made me,
He knew what He created.
He created an imperfect (by my standards)
Girl, who speaks before she thinks,
And leaps before she looks.
And even though I often find myself
Tumbling down
Because of another mistake,
The best leap I ever made
Was the one straight into His arms.

That blind faith is
The only kind of perfection
He asks for and the only kind I’ll ever need.

6/28/06

Before and After

Before I chose Jesus,
Every trial seemed a curse,
Because it spelled “helplessness.”
But now,
Every hardship has a purpose,
Like a puzzle piece that fits into a picture
I cannot yet see.

Before I chose Jesus,
The only person I could truly trust
Was myself.
But now,
Even if every person alive betrayed me,
The Creator of the Milky Way
Would never leave me.

Before I chose Jesus,
Life was brief and meaningless and ends in
A ride in a long, black hearse.
But,
Life is a brilliant journey and ends in
A joyful reunion with my eternal Father
In an everlasting city paved with gold.

(I made the changes, as requested, what do you think?)

God's Promises

I never said this would easy.
I never promised a life free of pain.
I never wrote magic into My letters to you
That would dry up every tear
Before you even thought about it falling.

I did say that when
Mountains rise up in front of you
And the thunderclouds in life
Shade your sky,
I will never leave you.

I did promise to comfort
Your spirit
When nothing on earth could
Ease your suffering
And to catch every tear in a bottle.

I did write love in My letters.
A love that, even though
The page is tear-stained, will
Remind you that you are
Not ever alone.

6/7/06

Let's call this one "Help."

Simple minds
And weak bodies
Can be the wisest and
The strongest.
Did you know this?

Do you want to be the least?
Do you know that the lowest depths
Are the greatest heights?
Did you know that the feeblest man
Is the sturdiest of all?

How can one explain
The miracle of faith?
How can one put in plain words
The metamorphosis
Of a cowardly mind
To the heart of a lion?
How can one explain the power
Of the Lord?

I cannot.
One cannot tell the majesty
Of the Lord that we serve,
Whose folly is wiser
Than all of man’s wisdom,
And whose weakness is mightier
Than all of man’s strength.

This is the God I serve.
I am weak, but He is strong.
He says that the last shall be first,
The least shall be greatest,
And the humblest will inherit the kingdom of heaven.

O, Lord!
Help me be the least.
Help me let go of my façade of strength
For the vastness and reality of Yours.

O, Lord!
Help me be last.
Help me lay down the pride and the will that
Keeps trying to get ahead but only knocks me down,
For the glory that is You.

O, Lord!
Help me be humble.
Help me accept the missteps and mistakes that come from
Being alive on this earth, instead of defending my honor,
For the perfection of faith in you.

O, Lord!
Help me deserve the kingdom of heaven.

1-16-06

(No Title. Haha!)

I am SUPER busy. I have NOT deserted my blog. As soon as I get a chance to write something worth putting up here, I will. To my faithful "listening" audience (you know who you are), thanks for being patient. I appreciate you.

A New "Reality"

Why do Christians in America have this twisted feeling of entitledness? Why do they feel that the Lord OWES them something, as if Him dying for them wasn't enough? Why do they rejoice and praise Him only when life seems to be "going their way?" I have encountered this attitude so many times in my life and have even felt it myself a few times and I am SICK of it. The Lord gave me salvation and I would be content if I suffered misery for the rest of my life, because I know that as long as I keep my hope and eyes pinned on Christ, I will spend eternity with Him.

One of my favorite books is called, "Tortured for Christ," by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand. Every Christian needs to read this book in order to gain a measure of perspective in our cushioned, protected, and easy lives here in the States. Rev. Wurmbrand was in prison (I think in Hungary) for 15 years. Through that time, he and many fellow Christians were tortured for Christ and lost their families, homes and some even lost their lives for the sake of Christ. Yet, after his release from the prison, and while touring the world to raise public knowledge of the imprisoned Christians, he said he had not encountered any Christians happier than the ones yet in prison. They counted all lost for Christ and felt honored that He counted them worthy to suffer for His name. I need this attitude. We all do.

It is no wonder that Christians in America are on the brink of losing their religious freedom (www.truthtellers.org) since they are trying to re-write reality. They think that Christianity is about easy living and numerous blessings. Oh, how wrong they are! Heaven is when we can live easily and have never-ending blessings. Christian life is supposed to be a struggle, but through it all, we have the peace that passes understanding in our souls no matter how un-peaceful our physical life may be.

Here me speak!! :)

"There is no use trying," said Alice; "one can't believe impossible things." "I dare say you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast."

Where to now???

This girl is five-years old. A National Geographic photographer took this of her while she was watching for rainbows. She stayed on the roof of that car for a half hour, just watching, patient in the knowledge that if she just waited long enough, she WOULD see a rainbow. She saw three.

Several years ago, my attitude about what lay down the road was one of being apprehensive, not so much one of excitement. I was especially nervous if I saw a storm in the near future. This little girl is watching a storm, perhaps getting closer and closer, and yet, her first thoughts about it are to watch for a rainbow that WILL appear.

I want to look for the rainbows in life's storms. I want to be like a racehorse at the starting gate about the future. God has amazing things planned for me, not only in the future, but in the present!

Life is an incredible journey. If you keep looking at the adventures you had in the past and longing for them, you will miss the incredible adventures happening RIGHT NOW!!

Whenever it seems like there is a storm in your life, remember that the sun is always shining behind a cloud, and always, always look for the rainbow...

"To My Core"

Something about the zig-zagging course
Of a bolt of electrifying light
In the expanse of the night
Astounds my soul.

Something about the reverberating clap
Of ominous, Zeus-like hands,
Thundering anger in response,
Roots me in rapt wonder
To the mere inches of ground
My humble feet claim.

Something about the proud
Roar of a conquering lion
Drives such a feeling of insignificance
Into my heart
That I feel ashamed to watch
His proud prowl
Across the sandy, rolling grass of the dark continent.

Something about the heart-wrenching wails
Of the great blue fishes,
Buried in the watery expanse,
Crying for another
To soften its solitary existence,
Makes me listen as I have never listened before.

Something about the way
You speak to me
As you try to
Share your deep, inexpressible love
Shakes me to my core.