"Out of the Shadows"

For so long,
I hid myself from the world,
Like a bear in a cave.

Armored my insecurities
With a smile and a hearty laugh
And both hands held up
To stave off anyone
Who could enter
My carefully constructed
Coccoon.

Both hands can't protect
My entirety.
Too small a space
They can fully guard
And somehow
My hiding place
Was discovered,
Breached.

Bright lights
Burned my long-darkened eyes,
Exposed me to real life.
Now, I am coming
Out of the shadows,
Never will run from reality
Again.

----------------------------------------

Well, I wrote this back in May. (Have at it, my poetry critics.) But while you read it, think about what you have a tendency to run from in reality. It's different for everyone. Is it the scary notion of letting go of the rest of your life and letting Christ run it? Is it the frightening idea that our knowledge is limited and no, there is not an answer for everything...except God? What is it for you? If you can recognize it, share it with me. I pray for many of you often and I would like to know how to more "tailor" my prayers.

----------------------------------------

Isaiah 43:19
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.

I feel like a wasteland, and not one with streams popping up out of it. How come I do not perceive that the Lord is doing a new thing in me? Well, it doesn't matter what I feel anyway. The Lord just wants me to trust. Okay, I choose to trust that my "Gardener" knows what He is doing. :)

A Foretaste of Things to Come

Just letting everyone know they should expect my posts to be few and far between for a while, not sure how long. I just feel so struck by the Lord to set my hands to the plow and try and change the world. My uncle is doing just that through his national ministry, the National Prayer Network (see link.) I want to help him. I want to help people. I want to be able to use the strengths I have to hold up others' arms when they are weak. I want to be a blessing. Most importantly, GOD wants to make me all those things. With His help, I can and will change from a mostly self-centered person to someone who is completely overwhelmed, drenched, covered, and of course, centered in Christ.

SO... please pray that the Lord will help me grow. I want to. Life is a total waste if you stay in one place. My sister, Harmony, who is SUCH an inspiration to me (she also has a blog, Truthteller Girl {see link}), related to me a quote by someone, I forget who:

"Recognize your ability to imitate Christ."

I realize this: There is no point in calling myself a Christian if I am not going to LIVE 24/7 like Christ did and commands me, and all of us to. So let's all do something revolutionary: let's live like Christ during the entire week, not just Sundays.

Praying for you all....

"Your Love"

The sky has never looked
This blue
During my blackest storms.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The sun has never shined
So brightly
In the midst of so many thick clouds.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

My most mournful dirves have never
Been such sweet, happy
Melodies.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The highest mountains have never
Been flat, rolling plains
In my life.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

The tremendous winds have never
Come and gone as
These gentle, caressing breezes through my hair.
This is what Your love
Does for me.

Your love catapults my spirit
To heights unknown to rockets and spaceships,
Even when my body and mind
Are filled with chaos and pain.

Your love lifts my feet to dancing
Even when the music has
Long since stopped
And the lights gone out.

Your love is the flame that
Warms my heart
When the icy travails of
My red enemy would
Long since have frozen and killed me.

Your love lights
The path You have
Chosen for me,
Illumining boulders and barriers.
And Your love carries me
When I am too weak to
Crawl onward.

Most of all,
Your love gives me a reason to live...

8/3/06-1:00am
-----------------------------------------------
I mean every word of this. I could not begin to take the next step without the Lord's love and His strength...

Just wait for a while...

I am SO very busy but I will write soon. I've already planned a long "essay" on rejoicing. Thanks y'all for being patient.

A Late Thought Accompanied by Self-Doubt

It is nearly one in the morning. I am awake yet again in the wee hours, yet, I enjoy it. Have you ever seen the Bruce Willis movie, "16 Blocks?" I only just finished watching it after completing a self-imposed month-long ban on movies, TV, etc. I think I made a wise decision to first watch a movie where a man is willing to give his life for something he believes in, no matter how long a time period he has believed in that one thing.

That is what true belief does for you: it makes you willing to sacrifice, to die.

A favorite, and often printed on this blog, quote of mine is one by Rev. Richard Wurmbrand:

"A man truly believes not what he recites in his creed but what he is willing to die for."

I just love that because it inspires me to seek out the depth of my beliefs and sincerity. Am I willing to die, physically, or sacrifice anything, relationship or material, etc., for what/who I believe in? I guess time can only tell the true depth of my belief as I, and many American Christians, have not yet been tested to the extent that Chinese Christians and other Christians around the globe have. They have had/still have guns shoved in their faces, with the holder screaming that they denounce the only One who offers them hope and true life, Jesus Christ, or else they will pull the trigger. Yet, in their hour of GREATEST need, the Holy Spirit comes over their hearts in a way that I can not even imagine, and at a time when everyone else's hearts would faint and quickly give in, they refuse. And they die.

When I was younger, my uncle was making movies about the encroaching threat of anti-hate laws, specifically targeting Christians, taking away free speech in this nation (see National Prayer Network and Hate Laws Exposed links in sidebar.) I was asked to participate in a "skit" as a persecuted Christian, or as someone persecuting Christians, I don't remember which. I remember everyone else being so involved, so happy that they could help possibly, and indeed, save free speech as it was threatened in that session of Congress. But all I felt was a deep cold, a gripping fear constricting my throat and chest. I saw my dear family and friends acting, but I didn't see it as that. I saw it as if it were real, as if they were really being attacked, or arrested, or beaten. I tried to act my part, but I could not stop the tears of fright from pouring down my cheeks. I ran away. The only reason I am telling you all this, not because I think you will understand since tomorrow this will probably all read as gibberish, but because I wanted to try to illustrate my intense fear of persecution and pain. I could never, in and of myself, stand and face death for my belief in the Lord. But as I grow closer and closer and more and more in desperate love for the Lord, my spirit becomes more willing to give up any measure for Him.

Remember how it says in the Bible, perhaps by Jesus, the "spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak?" Well, God is making my spirit willing, so He is going to have to make my flesh strong too.

I guess that is all a mumble-jumble, the ramblings of a desperate, seeking heart. Oh, how I want the Lord to make me into a jem for His crown. And I don't even feel worthy of say that because what if I don't really mean it? I mean, what if I am saying it for a show? I know THAT isn't true. If I were "showing off," I wouldn't have said any of this post because it is so intimate and it is all so frightening to my body to think of the coming persecutions that will inevitably come as evil takes its final stand against God. (Read Revelations if you want nightmares, by the way.)

I am seeking, I am seeking the Lord's face. One day I WILL see it. I am determined I will not be swept away. But I only have this determination because I am clinging with reckless abandon to the arms of Jesus. I wouldn't have even made it this far without His mercies that are new and overflowing every morning...

Dear Lord, please accept my broken, humble heart. It is all I have to offer. Besides, no treasure on earth could be perfect and holy before You. I can only trust in Your grace that washes over me in a steady flow like the waves of the ocean. The waves of the ocean that You set the boundaries for. The ocean that washes this great globe that You have hung in space. The space the stretches on farther than man's eye can reach. The eye of man, the man that is too stupid to behold even your smallest miracle to the greatest extent... But You said, You said that what You value most is faith like a child. Well, Lord, that is ALL I have to offer so it is a good thing it is good enough.

"Lost and Freed"

I've probably already put this poem up, but no one cares if I post it again, do y'all? I have a few friends and blogger friends (specifically Will) who are really struggling and I thought maybe this would help someone!

-----------------------------------------

all around me the darkness reigns
i feel constricted by the silent miseries that surrounds me
i curl up into a ball
i try to think pretty, bright, sunny thoughts
the blackness overwhelms them

i walk around on my tiptoes
i try not to disturb the other prisoners.
they are all curled up in little balls
trying to create worlds of their own
somehow we always fail
the dark never leaves us

we hear voices
whispering, speaking, shouting in our minds
we cry, we sob
we don't let anyone know of our inner torment
but we all know

we all feel the pain that exists when the sun doesn't run rise
when the darkness lift
when life seems to stop and we wait
in death-like stupors.

i can't find a way out
i can't find an escape from this black world
of pain and aloneness
i am alone
i am surrounded by others
but i am alone
we are all alone in our thoughts and pathes of temporary escape
that always lead us to dead ends

i have no joyi know not what elation is
i am always angry, alone, upset, heartbroken.
this world is like a labyrinth
we can't find a way out
the voices are leading us deeper and deeper
i try to shut them out
sometimes it works
but it always seems as if i run out of power

i cannot raise the sun
i cannot lighten my world on my own
i need help
but whose?

someone once told me about Someone who can brighten my night
and keep it bright
Someone who is bigger and stronger than me
but to get His help, i have to give up my own will
my own struggling to grab and hold something that isn't there
i have to cry out for His hand and hold it with everything in me
because this change of leadership is going to hurt, a lot

i want to think about it
i want to weight the good and the bad
but as i try, the voices that are trying to drown me get louder
i can't ignore them anymore.
i raise my eyes from downcast to looking up

i am going to hang on really tight
i won't let go, i yell.
it is so painful but that must mean He is working
i already feel lighter in my heart
i realize that for the first time i am experiencing joy and pain-together

i can see now little fingers of light shooting out towards me
it is dark still but it is getting lighter
and i am no longer alone.

He is beside me holding my hand
in front of me leading me
behind me guarding me
beneath me bearing me up
i am no longer alone.

i have come out of the darkness into a beautiful land
i can see other people just like me
i recognize those who used to live on my right and on my left, in pain
now we are all free
we soar and we dart like birds
we are free but not entirely
we know that we are powered by Him
we live in faith that He will never let go
but if i let goi will fall, i will crash, i will die
i will NEVER let go
so help me, God!!!!!!

(Jaunary 2005, but JUST as applicable to my life now!)

I Found Old Poems!!

"Tears From Gaza Strip"

Is this the world?
This bright light, dimmed by grief and greed?
Is this the world?
The laughter of children
Replaced by the staccato of machine guns?
Is this the world?
Fenced by the sea and concrete hate,
No exploration, no adventures and beauty is locked out.
Is this the world?

No, this is my world.
This is the artwork of predjudiced hate and fear.
This is what the shadowed, veiled beast willed.
Claiming all for himself,
Fighting for dominance,
Fighting against God
From before time began,
To the bottomless pit and the brimstone lake.

--------------------------------------------------------

"Nature Mourns"

Oh sad lackluster day.
Even the sky is crying,
Mourning the lovers lost,
The smiles sacrificed on the death bed of passion.
Rain runs down the foggy windows,
Like tears course her ashen cheeks.

Skeleton branches of a dying willow wave madly in the wind,
Like her empty arms clutch and hold nothing.

-----------------------------------------------

"True Love For You"

When you're smiling,
I want to make you laugh.
When you're crying,
I want to drive the tears away.
When you're singing,
I want the world to be mute, and listen.
When you're running from life,
I want to hold your hands and stop the fear.
When you're dancing,
I want to be the music that lifts your feet.
When your arms are empty,
I want to fill them with myself.
When you think of true love,
I want you to think of me.

-------------------------------------------------

"Mammoth Moon"

Shadows cast themselves on the wall
Like tendrils of the great, green grapevine
Cover my balcony.
I hide in the dark deepness
Of empty arms and broken hearts
Like a big, brown bear
Hibernating in her cave from the icy assails
Of a windy winter.
The sun has not risen to end the entrapping night
But I will not wait for the dawn
To bring relief.
I shed my cumbersome covers
And look up,
To the mammoth moon
And take comfort.

The sun may never rise,
But in the dark, the moon always shines…
-----------------------------------------------

This is NOT my best moon poem, but it IS the only one I could find...

I promised, so here is "People Will..."

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you.
They will say,
It is all impossible,
Give up,
You don’t have what it takes,
Let this tough stuff
Pass you by.
People will doubt you.

Throughout your life,
People will hurt you.
They will break your heart,
And try to break your spirit.
They say words are harmless,
They’ll say you can’t take a joke,
And they’ll disguise their malice
With a wicked laugh.
People will hurt you.

Throughout your life,
People will leave you.
They will promise to stick by you
Through thick and thin.
But when the rubber meets the road,
Push comes to shove,
You may find yourself all alone.
People will leave you.

Throughout your life,
People will lie to you.
They will say things
They never meant
To satisfy feelings,
Or just to make you cry.
People will lie to you.

Throughout your life,
People will doubt you,
People will hurt you,
People will leave you,
People will lie to you.
So why trust people?
Why not find Someone
Who will never doubt, hurt,
Leave, or lie to you?
Why not find the ultimate friend?

He’s looking for someone exactly like you.
He laid down His life for you.
He won’t let you go, when life gets rough.
He will tell you the truth, even when the truth
Is the last thing you want to hear,
But the thing that most needs to be said.

People can’t always be trusted,
Because people aren’t perfect.
God can be trusted,
So open your heart to Him
And find a friend,
Who will never
Hurt you,
Doubt you,
Leave you,
Lie to you.
A friend who truly loves you.
------------------------------------------------

By all means, this does not apply to everyone. But it is quite true that even those with the best intentions could let us down since they are not omnipotent, etc.

So Much Better...

As y’all know, I have been “keeping late hours when the rest of the Pacific seaboard sleeps.” (old poem) There are several reasons for this: first, spiritual burdens/concerns for friends, including a blogger or two; second, attacks by Satan, emotionally; third, long, often stressful, days.

But yesterday was the worst. I was pretty much a wreck. I am NOT complaining. I am grateful and willing to bear any sort of trial for the Lord, and I do not say that in any hypocritical way. I am serious, in the same way I am serious about everything else I say on this blog even if some people think it sounds “holy” or “hypocritical.” I just owe so much to my Savior, and if I spent three lifetimes trying to repay Him, it would not come close to deserving the gift of salvation.

But I got some Tylenol PM from the store, took one at 8 last night, and slept till 9-something this morning. (I woke up once in the night when my cell phone started beeping.) Isn’t that 12 or 13 hours? I haven’t slept that long in forever! I am very grateful to God for that gift. (See what I mean?! He just keeps on giving of His love, of Himself, to us!! Even if we COULD earn salvation, which we can’t, we could never earn/deserve all the OTHER good things He showers on us!!)

Now I have to go teach swim lessons for two hours. The temperature gage is creeping up to 100 degrees and should break 105 this weekend.

Here are two verses and a quote for y’all to think about:

“Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of HIS might.”
-Ephesians 6:10

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love him.”
-James 1:12

“The noble love of Jesus perfectly imprinted in man’s soul makes a man do great things, and stirs him always to desire perfection and to grow more and more in grace and goodness.”
-Thomas a Kempis
“The Imitation of Christ,” pg. 110

"A Broken, Humble Heart"

Is this what love is?
This constant feeling
And desire to shout from the rooftops
The splendor of You?

Am I in love?
I cannot sleep for
Thoughts of You.
And all I once wanted
Seems archaic, pointless, vain, and stupid.

Only You,
Always You
Forever…
I can only cling to the hope
You will not reject this humble offering-
A broken, humble heart…

"Ethereal and Alone"

A trail of a single set of footprints
Winding down the shore
Following the lacy borders
Of the salty sea,
For miles and miles it goes.

Finally a foggy figure like a fairy
Appears in the near distance,
Brown hair blowing wildly in the wind,
Face turned to the sea
And the hidden sun.

The lone elfin shape pauses
Staring into the crashing surf.
There's something there,
Something reckless,
And magnificently wild.
A being from a dream,
A mermaid.

The fairy and mermaid stare at each other
Locked in an trance,
Magic seems to have settled on the sands,
Time has stopped
Afraid to tick on
For fear of losing a physical fantasy.

They seem to be frozen,
Unmoving, silent.
But tears are falling from both the maids'
Aqua eyes.
Both alone, solitary in their lonely traversing
The face of this harsh earth.
The mermaid endowed with fins
And imprisoned in the lonely sea.
The fairy cursed with a true love
Given away and never given back.

---------------------------------------------------

I am super-critical and do not like most of this poem, mostly the ending. But I wrote it and don't want it to just sit there forever. Please note, that while the fairy, in the past, has been a symbol of me, it isn't now. I am quite happy and blessed. But if you have experienced heartbreak and sadness, you receive the right to express it, whenever you wish. I think...

Hmmm...

(I am stealing again. I saw this quote somewhere and LOVED it. But I don't remember the person who wrote it. If anyone knows the author, please let me know.)

"The depth of one's belief determines the intensity of one's motivation."

This is SO true. I have met quite a few people (no one in particular-ahem!) who have commented on my (growing) passion for the Lord and wished they could have the same. Well if you truly believe in the Lord and that He is who says He is, you will have the same passion and beyond.

Okay, that didn't make any sense. But hopefully y'all got the gist of it...

"Untitled Hymn," by Chris Rice

"Weak and wounded sinner,
Lost and left to die,
O, raise your head for
Love is passing by,

Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus,
Come to Jesus and live,

Now your burden's lifted,
And carried far away,
And precious blood has washed away the stain... so

Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus,
Sing to Jesus and live,

And like a newborn baby,
Don't be afraid to crawl,
And remember when you walk sometimes we fall... so

Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus,
Fall on Jesus and live,

Sometimes the way is lonely,
And steep and filled with pain,
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain... then

Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus,
Cry to Jesus and live,

O, and when the love spills over,
And music fills the night,
And when you can't contain your joy inside... then

Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus,
Dance for Jesus and live,

And with your final heartbeat,
Kiss the world goodbye,
Then go in peace, and laugh on Glory's side... and

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live,

Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus,
Fly to Jesus and live."

I LOVE those lyrics. It reminds me of a poem I wrote a long time about called, "Broken Boxes." But this song has meaning to me because I experience and do all the things mentioned in the song on a daily basis, especially the "falling on Jesus" part. It helped me, maybe it will help you. Goodnight, I only got 4.5 hours of sleep last night so I'll play "catch-up" now.

*Yawn*

I shouldn't be awake, but I couldn't sleep. So I am here, doing nothing.

"My Secret"

No one else knows my secret,
But I'll tell you.
I may look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up,
All the thing we wanted
To become when we were ten years old.

But inside, I am still a scared little girl
When the lights go out
And I am alone with my nightmares,
My fears and
My softly falling tears.

But I still look like a big girl,
Tough, capable, grown-up.
So I can't run to Mom,
Throw open her bedroom door,
And climb under her covers.
So I lie in my bed
And wait for the sun to
Peep over my window sill.

But I do not wait alone.
Jesus knows my secret.
He knows I am a baby lamb in sheep's clothing,
And I need the comforting presence
Of my Shepherd.

So He comes to me.
And when my flesh and heart fail me,
He catches me as I fall.
When my anxious thoughts overwhlem me,
His consolations give me rest.

I am still a little lamb in sheep's clothing,
But my good Shepherd watches over me
By night and by day.
And any troubles that assail me in the night
Cannot overcome the power of my Shepherd's might.
And now YOU know my secret...

"For He gives to His beloved even in her sleep."-Psalm 127:2

"They cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He brought them out of their distresses. He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven."-Psalm 107:13

Almost tomorrow...

"I WEAR YOUR LOVE"
Written by Gary Burr, Performed by Kathy Mattea

The things I've collected, bought or selected
The clutter that fills up my room,
I can lock up and leave it, never retrieve it.
Leave nothing but my love for you.
Let the storm winds blow, I will not be cold.

I wear your love
Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down
I wear your love
like a bright suit of armor reflecting the sun
On the chilliest night though I travel light
It is always enough for I wear your love.

You watched without knowing where I was going
Trusting the vision I'd found
For if dreams were a fire, I had desire
That could burn this old house to the ground.
So I walk quite free, for surrounding me

I wear your love
ike a scarf that I borrowed that still holds your perfume.
I wear your love
pulled tight as I'm sleeping under a cold lovers's moon.
On the chilliest night though I travel light.
It is always enough for I wear your love.

Don't you know, can't you see
Head to toe it is covering me
Like a stone, the oceans's tide
Nothing can hurt me or turn me aside.
For I wear your love

Thrown over my shoulders like a blanket of down.
I wear your love
Like a badge of devotion of love and be-yond.
On the chilliest night though I travel light,
It is always enough for I wear your love.
It is always enough for I wear your love."

I wear Jesus' love on my heart
And in every area of my life.
I would a walking dead person without Him
Because life would be so empty and death would be so near.
I wear Jesus' love on my heart...

(By the way, I am copying again (italics and graphics only.) A blogger friend of mine put the perfect song and graphic together and it was SUCH a blessing to me that I am extending it to my readers to be a blessing to them, I don't think she'll mind. (http://thebluebirdofhappinesscomestotea.blogspot.com/)

I am a Peach.

"In many ways, I like to model myself and aspire to the cherry's example. The cherry is boldly colored, its juice staining anything. The cherry isn't afraid to stand out. And yet it is sweet and kind to all who bother to come into contact with it. It's also nutritious. I too strive to be nutritious. At the core of the cherry, it is solid, rock-hard. It cannot be easily destroyed or broken. I strive to have my own cherry pit, at my center."-Scribbley, author of Giraffe Racing and Other Musings (http://girafferacing.blogspot.com)

Until I read that post, I never really thought about the cherry or the peach for that matter. But it is true that we humans should be like them, for the most part. The stone in the center is like our souls that should be unshakeable in our faith, BUT soft and open to the Lord's correction through His Holy Spirit and true believers in Him. And our outsides, what the world sees, should be sweet yet with the tart reality of the whole truth lacing the entire bundle. So maybe Scrib said it all better, I AM stealing his idea afterall, but tomorrow I will be like the cherry. (Or the peach because it has a slightly thicker skin which is necessary in this cutthroat and harsh world we live in.)

That didn't make sense. But it did to me. Thanks, Scrib.

Life's a crazy tornado, and I am stuck in its funnel!!!

I think that is one of my best titles ever, eh?

Life IS like a tornado right now. At least I am getting more sleep at night. All last week I was having horrible nightmares so I was more tired when I woke up than when I went to sleep the night before. But that seems to have passed and I can sleep for 6 hours. (Thank You, Lord!)

I stopped by my old job today to pick up my sister. I am SO glad I do not work there anymore--it is such an immature environment. Besides, who ever got buff sitting on a guard stand? Yesterday, for my day's work on the ranch, we bucked hay bales (roughly 40-50 lbs. each)- a total of 328 to be precise, and I handled ever single one since I was stacking and unstacking. I LOVE bucking hay, even though you get super hot and sticky. There's just something about raw physical work and feeling sore (in a good way) afterwards that I just love.

Anyway, sorry this post sounded like a middle-schooler on her second triple-shot cappucino. I have been so mature for my past dozen posts that I wanted to let my hair down (WHICH by the way has been cut and colored for about the 10th time this year. I'll get a picture up STAT.)

Just a sentence...

I started a photo blog. (http://photodiaryofasinglestudent.blogspot.com)